The Osbournes
Bye Bye Babies

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As sad music plays, Robert tells Jack that they're now not only players, but they're going to be "International Players." Kinda funny. Robert doesn't know now, but he's also about to be "Hella Homeless." The sad strings continue as Lola wanders inside the garage, bummed. Lola goes and lies on the couch, moping.

Kelly is going on tour. (Hey, isn't it great how we haven't seen much of Kelly lately? I bet MTV has done that on purpose. "Kelly, you're not testing well…") Sharon wants to come on tour. Kelly yells something about how Sharon doesn't always have to be the perfect woman, and that she's going to stay home. Kelly then busts out with her own breathalyzer. Ozzy says he's going to fail. Sharon says she's so excited. "You're drunk," Kelly says, reading the results. "I hope so," says Ozzy. Sharon asks what number it is. It's 0.5. Whoa! Man. Ozzy holds his hands out and says, "I'm being busted by my own kids." Wow. Suddenly it's not so funny anymore.

Outside, they say bye to Kelly. "Let the young one fly," says Ozzy, trying to get Sharon to come inside. Hundreds of people are going with Kelly, it seems. Ozzy and Sharon walk back inside, Sharon carrying Martin, the dog. "We've only got Martin left." Hee. Commercials.

Ozzy. In his SUV. Ozzy talks to Body By Jake about how for some reason he's totally gotten into carrot cake. Body By Jake says very seriously that of all the cakes, that's his favorite. They talk about the cream cheese icing. Ozzy says, "I'd fucking kill for it." Ozzy goes on about how some cakes stick to the roof of your mouth, but carrot cake has the right texture and it's "crunchy." It is? Really? Is it supposed to be? Body By Jake has to butt in that it's not "Pete-approved," and that Ozzy needs to save it for his day off. Yeah, that ain't going to happen.

Plane lands. Jack sleeps. Robert yawns. Buckinghamshire. "Best kept village," we're told. English countryside. English countryside. English countryside. Jack lies as they pass some house that the shed behind it is made from the boat the Mayflower. "I don't know," responds Robert. Huh? Jack says it's what he heard. Yeah, probably from Ozzy when he was high on peyote. They arrive at "Welders House." I guess that's what their house is called. Jack says hi to the dogs. "Fuck little dogs," he says in regard to the big dogs. He introduces Robert to Sugar, a boxer. Their oldest dog. Fucking crazy old. Robert just kind of laughs, stoned. There are all sorts of people there. Why does this gigantic house exist? Are they ever there? Seriously. These are some rich motherfuckers.

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The Osbournes

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