West Wing
Constituency Of One

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The 101st Senator

Donna's typing at her computer while Swimtern fidgets around behind her. Without turning around, Donna warns him: "Don't touch that." He starts to reach for something else and she adds, "Don't touch that, either." She'll be an excellent mom. Josh arrives and calls out to him. Swimtern follows Josh into his office, where Josh asks, "Your family's had a lot of press attention, right?" Richie Rich replies, "My great-great-great granddad whipped up a lather when he annexed Cuba." I can't wait until Josh clocks this punk and says, "Welcome to The D.C., bitch! This is how we do it in the District of Columbia." Josh: "I meant...since Reconstruction." Richie shrugs and says that they get some press. Josh asks how Richie deals with it. Richie claims he never reads any of it. Josh: "Really?" Richie admits that he reads all of it. Josh: "So answer the question." Richie: "Let's just say the biggest enemy of truth isn't the lie; it's the myth." Josh: "Meaning what?" Richie: "Meaning I'd be better off if I never read any of it."

Toby arrives, and there's a delightfully awkward little moment when it's made clear through silent glances and expressions that Swimtern should swim along, now. He leaves, and Toby tells Josh, "Happy birthday, by the way." Josh: "Yeah, look, I really don't want you making a big deal out of it." Toby: "I was all done." Hee! That's our Toby. Toby says he walked the Minority Leader through the message calendar. Josh says, "Triplehorn oughta be jazzed -- his pension stuff's on there." Toby says that Triplehorn told him they're not giving Carrick his much-desired missile launcher. Josh: "The Minority Leader wants us to cave, right? If he could manage his own caucus, we wouldn't have this problem." Toby gently points out Carrick's vulnerability in Idaho: "We can't win back the Senate without him." Josh: "You're suggesting we build a multi-million-dollar heap of garbage even the DoD doesn't want?" Toby weakly suggests that sometimes they find other uses for such technology. Josh: "Great. They can turn it into a toaster that doesn't make toast. This has zero to do with defense technology." Toby says that Triplehorn thinks they're risking their best chance to get Carrick on board with the stimulus package and the tax bill. Josh insists that it's a bluff. Toby says that with a 49% job approval rate, it isn't the time to call bluffs. He says they have to get off this and onto their issues. Josh: "The stuff that this guy's already bilked us for, out of a state of about nine people..." Toby argues that as an Idaho Democrat, Carrick's an endangered species: "If he needs a little pork..." Josh: "The Volcanic Soil Museum? The canola oil fuel cell initiative?" Toby says it's low-fat pork. Josh continues: "The Shakespeare in Military Communities program? I mean, what the hell's wrong with Hemingway?" Well, Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald had a few ideas about that. (I believe her exact words were: "Bull-fighting, bull-slinging, bullshit." ["Word, Zelda." -- Wing Chun]) Toby suggests that they should cut their losses. Josh: "That's easy for you to say. I'm the one who lost him on stimulus. I'm the one who has to get him on our agenda. I'm the one lacing up concrete shoes on the front page of the Post." Yup, it's all about you. Chill, pal. I know it's your birthday and all, but it's not the front page; it's just the front page of the Style section. Big difference. Toby asks, "Been on a...you been on a fishing trawler recently?" He seems to be referring to the smell in Josh's office. Josh yells for Donna. Toby starts to leave, and Josh says, "I'm fine on Carrick. Do your job and I'll do mine." Toby looks like he'd like to say something about that, but thinks better of it. Donna arrives as Toby leaves, and Josh complains that his office stinks like "Moby Dick's gym locker." Donna asks, "What do you expect? There was a fish here all night." Josh: "All night?" Donna says that Amy left it the night before. I knew it was her. Doesn't seem to have occurred to Josh.

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West Wing




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