The Casino
Episode 1

Episode Report Card
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Just Take the Penicillin Now, Save Some Time

Tim and Tom stand outside a different door, in a different hallway, in another time zone, in another hotel on another planet, and pretend to listen to Pornapalooza. "I don't want to know," murmurs one of them, but I think it's just a subliminal suggestion to us viewers that we forget the editing of this episode, and forget that to this day the shadow of Janet Jackson's right tit still hangs over Rupert Murdoch.

Rob's face appears, somewhat energized, and covered in whipped cream. Ringleader Jason, who is kind of monstrous now that he's wasted, is screaming, "She wants more! Let wild, Robert!" I throw up a little, in my mouth, because I knew boys could get like this in groups but I've never actually seen it. This is how all bad things happen, what we're seeing here. This is why to be male in America is to be broken. Poor Rob, overstimulated and maybe even actually horny, begs the young lady for "the real thing," complaining that he's "very shy." "How precious is that?" giggles the paragon of Victorian virtues, and laughs, yelling, "I don't want to corrupt you!" Things end badly for old Rob, but maybe it's best. Or as Jason, poet and gang rapist, puts it, "Whether or not he lost his was a small step for Rob, but a giant step for Rob-kind." Okay, even though that makes literally no sense at all, and even though I'm really scared of all other men now and might not leave my house from now on, that still somehow makes me want to punch Jason so fucking hard, because it's everything sucky about him in one sentence: brainless, drunken, horny, weird idiot. He's a sexual bully, and he gets off on niggling Rob about his less developed sexuality. So many bad choices result from this stuff. Or maybe Jason's fears are right, and Rob really is gay -- I mean, that's the point, isn't it? That Jason's scared to death Rob doesn't like girls? -- but is this really the way to address it? I think I was wrong up there, that the Pornapalooza stuff was so much less creepy than the Up Chuck/Carmen Sandiego thing. Don't get me wrong, that shit was wicked sick. I think they are in fact exactly the same amount of creepy, and Mark Burnett is the King of Creepy, and the FOX network is the Kingdom of Creepy, and Tim and Tom are the Regents, or the Undertakers, of Creepy, and I'm getting creepier from watching it.

Matt "Velvet" Dusk meets with Joe the Vet about the certainty of him and his band eventually being fired, or quitting. Wolfie, Joe the Vet, and Matt "Velvet" Dusk argue about the positive or negative effect of the "Elaine" Hunt performance, and Matt's undies are still in a righteous twist about it as he reiterates, to Joe this time, that he is strictly against karaoke. Joe kind of Vets out on him a little and it's kind of weird as he screams, at levels of intensity way not required here, that Matt "Velvet" Dusk will not be telling Joe the Vet what to do, that he will try to reach agreements with Wolfie and the band but at the end of the day, all the decisions are his alone to make, as the Entertainment Director, and generally acting the way Jonathan on Blow Dry always acts towards that one guy that's a total douchebag. Matt "Velvet" Dusk voices over for us his essential dilemma: Given that the Golden Nugget could be his big break, should he stay or go? Hmmm. I do hate having a steady job, and they're so plentiful in the entertainment industry, that it seems stupid to use this opportunity to keep your face on TV for at least 13 weeks. I see where you're coming from.

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The Casino




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