Vampire Diaries

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The Secret Policeman's Other Ball
lved in the Heritage Project that will be displayed at the party. Stefan kindly cuts off her nervous babbling. "I would be honored to accompany you, Miss Gilbert." Elena beams. "The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Salvatore." That exchange is a credit to the actors, because Stefan sounds like a man of his bygone era, while Elena is a thoroughly modern Millie, trying to play along.

Caroline's Crib: Caroline tries on a fluffy yellow dress with a big black cummerbund. Damon, who is lounging on her bed, reading a book, declares the look "jaundice" and insists she goes with a blue dress, if he's going to be her date. She tells him he's not. "My mother is going to be there, and she's a very proud gun owner." Damon says he went through a lot of trouble to make sure the party wasn't cancelled and that it's very important he attends, and then he enthralls her, ensuring his invite and her wardrobe change. And my word, would you look at those cheeky undies she's wearing! It's scenes like this that keep me from bitching about how most of the cast has been out of high school at least long enough to have attended a reunion or two. While Caroline goes to get another dress, Damon complains about the book he's reading. "What's so special about this Bella girl? Edward's so whipped." Hee. As Caroline tells him he has to read the books in order, if he wants them to make sense, we get a good look at the bite marks on her shoulder blade (which seems like an odd location, yeah?). Damon sighs. "Oh, I miss Anne Rice. She was so on it." Whee! I'm glad the writers are hanging a lantern on all the Twilight comparisons. Sure, the Twilight sensation boosted Williamson and Plec's chances at getting this show made, but L.J. Smith's series, The Vampire Diaries came years before Stephanie Meyer quite literally dreamt up Edward Cullen and crew, and both authors arguably owe obeisance to Rice. But... back to the story. Caroline asks Damon why he doesn't sparkle. He snaps her neck ala Angelus and Jenny Calendar, or perhaps he just snarks, "Because I live in the real world, where vampires burn in the sun." When she notes that he can go out in the sun, we have another MYTHOLOGY MOMENT -- wherein Damon reminds us he can go in the sun thanks to his magic ring.

Caroline examines herself in the mirror. "Will these bites turn me into a vampire?" Buffy says, "To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you." Damon says it's more complicated. MYTHOLOGY MOMENT: "You have to feed on my blood, then die, then feed on a human's. It's a whole ordeal." It's still a whole big sucking thing, but with even more suck. After he sneers at Twilight, he playfully grabs Caroline. She giggles as he pulls her down on the bed, climbs on top of her, and plants shockingly sweet kisses on her face. His pace slows as he reaches her neck, and Caroline says he can be very sweet when he wants. Damon, of course, agrees. He brushes back her hair and strokes her face as he gazes down at her. Her expression changes to that of a child. Softly, she says, "Are you going to kill me?" As sweet as ever, Damon confirms this. "Mmm hmm. But not yet." Caroline asks why not. Damon says there's something he needs her to do. She smiles and says, "Anything." Damon asks how good she is at sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong. She shakes her head. "Oh, I'm excellent." He kisses her full on the mouth and we fade out. My word, that scene was hot, creepy and sad. And Caroline's character grew five layers in as many seconds. Don't get me wrong. This is still cheese, but it's as far from Processed "Cheese Food" as is Camembert.

Mystic Grill: Tyler's having dinner with his parents, Mayor and Mama Lockwood. Since this scene is mostly set up, I'll take a moment to thank Kaboom in the forum, for reminding me that Mama is played by Susan Walters, who was Delores/a.k.a. Mulva, in two episodes of Seinfeld, including the classic, "Junior Mint." I'd only pegged her as Priscilla from Elvis and Me. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, Vicki waits on the Lockwoods, and while the Mayor is friendly, Mama Mulva is silent, and Tyler won't even meet Vicki's eye. Over at Bonnie and Caroline's table, we learn that Bonnie doesn't have a date to the Founders' shindig because, apparently, those Mystic Falls boys who haven't had their eyes pecked out by that pesky crow can't see through the fog. Vee, from Vampire-Diaries.net says her S.O. calls B.S. on that, too. I think Bonnie should ask my Pudding Pop, Matt, who has been woefully, woefully absent from this episode. Okay, as people in the forum point out, it makes narrative sense that Matt isn't around, since he and Tyler kind of broke up last week, but still -- his absence? I'm against it. Caroline takes this opportunity to "confide" in Bonnie that Stefan and Damon have deep, sordid issues, but before she gives the deets, she makes Bonnie swear that she won't tell Elena. This is, of course, the quickest way to ensure that one teenager tells another teenager something, so whatever the dirt is, Caroline is clearly doing Damon's work, here. Oh, and despite what imdb.com says, Caroline's last name is not Truitt. It's Forbes, just like it is in the books.

Once the Mayor and Mama Mulva are gone, Tyler gets all friendly with Vicki, who reams him for treating her like trash. He seems quite sincere when he assures her he doesn't think she's trash, so she gets him to ask her (kind of) to the Founders Party. Once Tyler's gone, Germ, who has been pouting at the counter, points out that Vicki had to ask Ty to ask her. "You figure if you dress up like a respectable young lady, he'll finally treat you like one?" Vicki says, "Screw you, Jeremy." Germ adds, "You know you're making the wrong choice, and yet you make it anyway. It's sad." She scoffs and walks off. And Germ makes a constipated face, which is too bad, because young McQueen is a good actor. It's just that his character is stuck in the muck of this triangle.

Mossy Manse: Damon laments Stefan's So-Called Unlife to Zach, and then encourages him to speak his mind. Zach foolishly does -- he wants to know why Damon has returned to Mystic Falls, "This time." Damon fast-forwards across the room, and grabs Zach by the neck. "You're in no position to question me." Zach chokes that he didn't mean to upset Damon. Damon smiles. "This is not upset, Zach." He continues to throttle his relative until Stefan enters and asks what's going on. Damon jokes about them spending quality time together, and then leaves. Zach, who is so deferential to Damon gets all stompy with Stefan about his failure to do anything about the threat that is Damon. Stefan reminds him that because he won't drink human blood, he's not vamp enough to stop his brother. MYTHOLOGY MOMENT: Human blood is confirmed to be the good stuff. Zach suggests Vervain, but Stefan reminds him that

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Vampire Diaries

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