True Blood
Fuck The Pain Away

Episode Report Card
admin: A+ | 145 USERS: B+
Take Me To The River

Gov: "I didn't mean literally, shit. I'll be back in five."
Sarah: "But I am wearing awesome lingerie!"

She is. She really is. But it's sad to see her flash it at him, when he's headed out the door. Oh, Sarah. I always wanted so much more for you. On the other hand, why fix what works? This is more of a "time and place" issue, not a "change your strategy" issue. Nine out of ten, sudden lingerie is exactly what a situation requires.


Ben: "What even is this shit? What is going on? Why can you command me?"
Bill: "I am your Mommy."

What he says is so much more embarrassing than that, don't worry about it. It's very Bill, the hallmark of Bill is how Bill he is all the time. He puts his arms around Ben and plugs him with some kind of syringe, and then we do a little time-travel to a mortifying Faerie Tyme where everything was just faeries and topknots and beards and man-skirts and dancing around fires and shirts weren't invented yet and whatever.

I won't complain. Valar dohaeris.

3500 BCE

Wig Ben: "How is our baby? How is its wig?"
Wig Wife: "We will call her Ayla and she will invent fire, the wheel, dishwashing, animal husbandry, the doggie style, and farming. Nice skirt btw."

Later that night, Ben was getting one fairy jug of water from the river, and then Lilith showed up and zoomed all around him, weirding him out. It was just 3500 BCE so he didn’t know about vampires. We only recently found out about those.

She tore off his fairy skirt with vampire speed!

Then he fucked her standing up, and they both came after like five thrusts because everything was magic back then, and because back then we didn't have time for any effin' and jeffin' because sabretoothed tigers were always around, waiting for you to drop your guard.

Then she turned him into a vampire, and he wasn't expecting that part either. All in all, it was one of the more surprising sequences of things to happen to him that year. And it wasn't even done happening yet!


Ben: "It was awesome having sex with you that one time for two seconds. But at the end, that part was not great. Or the subsequent parts."
Bill: "On the other hand, now I get to have your faerie blood for science, which turns it back around the other way."
Ben: "You know I'm with Sookie now though, right?"

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True Blood




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