Midichlorians: "While you were saying that we turned into regular blood, sorry."
Jason: "Hi, Sarah. Why are you on my lawn?"
Sarah: "Just dropped by. How's it going? I am a crazy person in a cult. I have a boyfriend."
Jason: "Well, that's good. Your last husband turned out to be a gay vampire."
Sarah: "Can I save your soul by any chance?"
Jason: "What's this now? I... Recently had a head trauma so this might be making more sense than I think."
Sarah: "I'm very sorry about how our relationship ended. With me shooting you and all."
Jason: "I do honestly think you're a nice person, under being insane and a huge racist, but I'm afraid I can no longer sublimate in that fashion."
Sarah: "I have been with you, a gay guy, and an old guy. That's it."
Jason: "I am only one of those."
Sarah: "I have never felt more holy than when I was with you. And I truly believe God wants me to fuck you."
I mean. Of course, cut immediately to him fucking her. Even the music is like, "Isn't this so stupid? Aren't you enjoying it, though?"
Sarah: "God is very into this!"
Jason: "I really needed to feel heterosexual right now! Because of other stuff going on in my life!"
Andy grabs some vampire blood from evidence, and pours it down his remaining daughter's throat. There are a million ways that shit could go wrong, but you want it to work out because he's Andy: However shitty he's been over the years, he's more than bought it back and now he is only love.
THE UNFRIENDLY POSSUM
Is the name of the werewolf bar Alcide ends up. An interchangeable bitch prostitute gives him the usual business the ladies like to give him. The interestingest part is when she's like, "But I absolutely will not donkey show with you. We both have to be wolves if you want to fuck me as a wolf." Which is like, the best thing the were/shifter worldbuilding has ever come up with. That's brilliant. If Raccoona would just say like one thing that awesome, all would be forgiven.
Daddy Herveaux finally takes mercy on his son -- who I guess couldn't smell him in this shithole -- and explains that nobody in small towns likes wolves from big towns, because werewolves are the worst. Even if that "big town" is Shreveport. Then Alcide gets some kind of daddy issues temper explosion on him, and throws money at him, and whatever. Werewolves: Don't want 'em, don't need 'em. Don't need 'em in my life. They are only grossness. And I resent too that looking at Joe Mangianello -- formerly the most exciting thing you can do with your eyeballs -- now comes with the sinking feeling of here come some tits and hollers.