The Office

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Needful Crap

Pam's buying coffee from Hank when she glances out the front door and sees Michael pouring gasoline on the parking lot. She rushes out, babbling, "Hi, I'm just coming out to see what you're doing and maybe stop you!" Michael asks for more gas, because, "I'm asking Holly a question in fire." Pam's excited that he's proposing, but when he asks her to light it for him, she starts to run inside with the matches and the empty gas can. "You've had two ideas today, and one of them was great, and the other one was terrible," she says. Michael's "not in the mood for riddles," but she's going to get a hose.

Ryan's selling bottles of his mom's pesto, which he got her to make for what he claimed was a "Pesto Party," and then he stuck on labels marked "Mama Sally's Homemade Pesto" with a picture of Phyllis looking out in annoyance. Dwight compliments Ryan's entrepreneurial mind and starts flipping through an old photo album of Stanley's, which he says he plans to throw away. "Why would I want some random black man's old photo album sitting on my bookshelf? I'm not James Franco." With that, Ryan's sold. Dwight THs about all the garbage, crap, and junk from everyone in the office that he used to trade up to "a very cute squid that Erin happened to have." He shows us the stuffed cephalopod. You thought the cute squid was Gabe, didn't you? Heh, heh, no, Gabe's not cute.

Dwight notices Jim's "miracle legumes" back out on the table, and Jim snatches them away. Dwight scoffs some more, so Jim dramatically announces, "This ends now!" He crumples the package, throws it on the floor, stomps on it, and throws it away. Dwight is not unmoved.

Pam tells Michael that everyone's in the conference room, for a meeting he doesn't remember calling. It's really just Jim, Oscar, and Ryan, who Pam brought in to talk about Michael's proposal. Michael thinks they're trying to talk him out of it, but they unanimously agree that Holly's perfect for him, and they want to help him plan how to ask her. "So it's safe, and responsible, and realistic, and doable," Pam explains. Oscar describes a pretty standard proposal, adding, "If you are in costume, you did something wrong. If at any point you find yourself tying the ring to a dog's collar, stop. And look at yourself."

Andy and Darryl are making Kevin crazy by playing Dallas by the rules they're making up as they go along (and making me crazy with their annoying, fake southern accents). Andy even takes Kevin to task for not stapling the instructions to the box, "Like a normal human bein'." Is that normal? I'll admit that it's not stupid, even if it is a bit anal. In any case, their standard response to all of Kevin's objections is "That's Dallas."

"Ryan, where did you get this picture?" demands Oscar, holding up a bottle of "Senior Chico's Hot Cha Cha" salsa, illustrated with a photo of Oscar with a sombrero Photoshopped on. "My mom also makes the best salsa," Ryan THs. Wow, that's an old-school Michael move.

Holly is asking advice about her parents from Phyllis, who has apparently put her own mom in a home recently. "If you wait for the day when your parent comes to you and says, 'I can't take care of myself,' that's never gonna happen," Phyllis says. And since this scene is kind of a downer, Phyllis ends it by interesting Holly in a box of bras she has under her table.

Proposal brainstorming is still going on upstairs. Michael suggests throwing a corpse off the roof and when its head pops off he says, "I lost my head when I fell in love with you." Which is a terrible idea, because the head might not pop off. Michael says he already has a ring. "Don't think you need the corpse, then," Jim says. Michael pulls out said ring and shows them a rock the size of a peanut M&M. "Holy shit, is that real?" Pam blares. "They say three years' salary," Michael says. Pam says he doesn't have to get fancy (especially now), and tells the story of Jim's proposal to her, and how it was perfect. Michael pretends, poorly, to be touched by Jim and Pam's magical moment at a gas station during bad weather, but he's looking for an event. Pam says Holly isn't going to say no, but Michael's still scared. "I knew Pam was going to say yes but I was still scared," Jim says. Pam smiles sweetly. So, why is Ryan here?

Michael joins Holly in the break room, figuring that even though they haven't sold anything yet, they'll just wait until the end of the day. "People get desperate and they're gonna pay anything." Garage sale freakonomics. Holly breaks the news that she needs to go home to Colorado for her dad. Michael, taking it pretty well, asks for how long, and whether he's all right, and whether Holly is, and he continues to understand. He doesn't even look like he wants to cry. "And I want you to come with me," she adds. She says that's a lot to ask of a boyfriend, and works up to what sounds like it's going to be a proposal. Michael, who was looking a little slow on the uptake on that score until now, stops her at the last second: "No, no, no, shhhh...shut it." He gets up and flees, saying, "Nope, nope, nope." Holly, at her desk: "Uh, what?" Michael, in his office: "No, I am not going to be proposed to in the break room! That is not going to be our story. Should have burned this place down when I had a chance."

Kevin is getting so frustrated with Andy and Darryl's freewheeling game play that he decides he wants his money back -- but the mug they stuck the wager cash in is empty. "I am never, ever, playing games with you two again," he declares before storming off. Andy and Darryl are left to look at each other in confusion. Outside, Kevin holds up the cash, proudly saying, "And that is Dallas." Another win for Kevin! That makes, what, three?

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