X-Files

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Bats are not your friends

Across town, in yet another musty old attic, another old lady takes out a photo album, sits down, and opens it. It's full of, yes, pictures. She starts to cry and looks up...and ManBat attacks her with a squeal.

Morgue. Welcome to what I suspect is the first of many, many, many autopsies performed by one Dana Scully in this upcoming season. BoobWatch 2000 Update: Covered By Lab Coat. Film at 11. Scully tells Doggett that Creepy and Mousy were killed by something with four toes, fangs, and, ah, enzymes in its saliva that are found only in bat spit. "Bats?" says Doggett. Scully says maybe she owes Sheriff Sexist an apology for being so vehement about the possibility of the killer being human. Doggett says he isn't "so sure about that," and whips out -- from where, I don't know -- an old newspaper clipping from the 1956 Montana Press Telegram about a "Human Bat." Yes, indeed. Apparently, back in the day, this ManBat ate at least five men, including the county coroner. And now, Doggett hypothesizes, "it's back and killing again."

Including, as we see in the next shot, that poor little grandma. ManBat leaps over Granny's body to stick his ugly, blood-soaked mug in the camera and snarl. ManBat is not very scary. I've seen creepier freaks on my way to work.

God bless the commercial break, yo. By the way, I took an informal poll, and everyone in this room thinks David E. Kelley is a disgusting man who hates women, gay people, and the fat. Or, actually, the not abnormally slender. Of course, "everyone in this room" consists of me, my shrine to a former UCLA football player who shall remain nameless to protect me from possible lawsuits, a picture of my little sister, and three houseplants, but I think we represent a good cross-section of humanity.

Welcome to the McKesson residence, 5:51 pm. Yes, yes, we know: ManBat strikes again. Sheriff Sexist directs Doggett's attention to some claw marks on, yes, a beam overhead. He snarks that whatever killed Granny, "it wasn't yoooooou-man." Doggett says that he and Scully are beginning to come around to that way of thinking. He's getting ready to show Sexist Ye Olde ManBat Clipping, but is interrupted by Scully, who has found the photo album. She exposits that the pictures in the album are of a woman who had been pulled, dead and burned, from the lake last week. Sexist knows all about that situation, and wonders what the connection is. Scully points out that Granny hadn't seen Lake Lady since 1956 (how does she know this? You got me) -- the exact same time the original ManBat killings started. Sexist and Doggett don't really get where Scully is going with this, but she says, very slooooowly, to them that obviously Lake Lady is the connection, somehow, because this newest batch of horrific maulings didn't begin until her body was discovered. She shortly suggests that Sexist exhume the Lake Lady's body, because, after all, "it was burned for a reason." Sexist self-righteously wonders where, exactly, Scully gets off suggesting that he exhume anything while he's got real live people to worry about. She glares at him. I wonder if I ought to make my margaritas one at a time, or just make a pitcher and be done with it. Doggett looks from one to the other, takes Sexist into the corner, and comes back alone as Sexist tromps downstairs. Doggett informs Scully that he told Sexist to just dig up the body, and that he also took it upon himself to inform Sexist that Scully is an expert on paranormal phenomena, and who are they, after all, to argue with an expert? Scully snaps that she is NOT an expert, but that she is a SCIENTIST who has SEEN A LOT. Let it go, Dana. Like, oh, my God, we TOTALLY GET IT. Scully angrily wonders why Doggett is going along with the exhumation of the body if he doesn't agree with her theories. Doggett calmly explains that he spent the whole weekend looking through the X-files, and he saw that "almost every case broke with a leap." He explains that he's "a cop," and cops don't make leaps, because leaps get people killed. Which totally doesn't answer the question, but whatever. I think he just means that he can understand the need to take a leap of faith in this instance. Or something. Oh, nobody really cares anyway, do they? Because I don't. And I'm writing this. And so we're moving on. Scully snarks that, for a cop, Doggett is making a pretty big leap in believing in "an article about a HUMAN BAAAAAT." Score one for the lady. Doggett stomps off. Scully purses her lips and sighs. Sing it, sister.

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X-Files

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