Trading Spaces
Scottsdale: Bell Road

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Scottsdale: Bell Road

We cut to a bright yellow rug with a complicated border design on it composed of squiggles, lines, circles, and square motifs in red, dark purple, sage green, black, dark blue, etc. Thank God he's dragging in another brightly coloured, busy element that goes with nothing, because if there's anything this room needs, that's it. Dana says she loves it and claims it ties everything together. Frank rambles on about how there'll be a study area and a conversation area, calling it "funky funky wonderful," and then there'll be a more girly area and a sleeping area and a TV nook. Don't forget the terrifying giant monkey freakout area.

Vern installs cable lighting parallel to the peak of the ceiling.

Dana calls Helena "this little woman" and says she's beautiful. Frank thanks her. The blue TV box is sitting on top of the dresser. The dresser itself looks very cool; each row of drawers has been painted a different colour (from top to bottom: purple, coral, yellow, mint green, light blue) and the frame and knobs have been painted black. It looks fun, but not too childish. I like it better than anything else in the room, and I wish Frank had gone with a scheme along the lines of using bright colours and grounding them with touches of black. Now it's got a blue box stuck on top of the dresser, with Helena's head stuck on top of that. Frank says he's not bringing the dolls back in -- Ryanne could do that herself -- but he wanted her to have something feminine. The door handles are painted to look like hands, and there's a bouquet of flowers painted on the doors, like the hands are holding them. Gah. Figurative "folk art" like this just gives me the creeps. Chris opens the doors, wondering, "Is her other half in there? No?" It's the most interest he's shown in anything for the whole episode. Frank says it's time to put the room together.

Vern finishes installing the lights and says it's time to load the room.

Accessorizing montage, and then Frank and his team plop down on the tiny bean bag chairs and blow confetti out of conical tubes. Because there's still not quite enough crap in the room. Wait! You're not done. There's no crap on the ceiling! MPDP announces time's up and asks, "Will Tom and Kari's daughter Ryanne go bananas over her new room and monkey desk? Will Dana and Chris get in the mood of Vern's maple-walled masterpiece?" The bumper to the commercial is the shot of the bird shit on Frank's head again.

Oh, God. Ryanne's room. Okay...the walls, as previously described, are hideously crappy-looking. I can see why they gave up on the perfect horizontal stripe around the middle of the room, but I think it would have been a lot better if they'd gone with a smooth, scalloped line instead this jagged, irregular lightning bolt. However, that would have required a level of either planning (i.e. careful stencilling and measuring) or extreme freehand skill not much in evidence on this series. The bed has been moved in front of the window, and covered with a lavender comforter and piled with the pillows in the aforementioned solid colours. A few first-round draft pick stuffed animals have been piled on the bed. There's a new silver torchiere lamp beside the bed. There's some pastel yellow fabric swagged on white circular knobs above the window. No icons have been painted on the knobs, as previously discussed. In roughly the same corner as it used to be is the dresser/TV cabinet. The dresser, as I've said, looks great; Helena-the-blonde-TV-cabinet-lady looks silly and weird. Next to that on the wall are the three rectangular art project whatever-they-ares, two in bright yellow and one in neon green. Next to that is the message board. The corner blocks have been painted black; the frame is white. In the centre of the room is the bright yellow rug with three small, dark blue bean bag chairs arranged on it and a tiny, round purple table in the centre. The giant monkey thing is on the wall Ryanne's bed was originally on. The clouds fold down into shelves, as do the eyes. The mouth is the desktop, but though it's a big old monkey mouth, it's not a very big work surface. I can't see it being big enough to really do homework on. Also, the thing is mounted on the wall at a height such that the only seat that will work with the desktop is a wooden stool. That's gonna be comfortable for all of about ten minutes. Plus, while the fold-down shelves are cute, they're out of Ryanne's reach, and as display units...well, my God, the room is already busy enough with this monkey thing in front of these walls. Now you're going to put a bunch of junk of the shelves? It's one of the most godawful rooms I've ever seen on this show, no question. (And the competition is stiff.) Nothing goes with anything, even if you take the monkey unit out of the equation. There are about seven different rooms crammed into this one. I'd say it looks like a fifteen-clown funeral, but I think clowns would be offended. I don't need the International Brotherhood of Clowns and Circus Entertainers breathing down my neck, thanks.

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Trading Spaces

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