The Voice
Season 3, Live Finale

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Are We There Yet?

The Voice finale is two hours long. Lord, grant me the serenity, and the energy, to make it through, and to accept the winner I can not change. We're so used to having power, that tonight just feels different. We're powerless, we can't control our Voice puppets anymore, and vote them through to the next episode, and purchase their single on iTunes to count for ten million votes or whatever.

The coaches are dressed in spectacular fashion. I hope they are performing a Queen song right off the top. Carson Daly rattles off a long list of artists who will perform tonight, needlessly, then notes that the coaches will perform, the twenty finalists will perform, and anyone left with a microphone will perform before we reveal the winner. But first, a recap of the performance episode we just watched.

Carson tells us we broke some iTunes records, and some Voice voting records. Big whoop. Let's get to the goods: Rihanna is performing that crazy song, "Diamonds." She may have twelve #1 singles, but I still have to double check how to spell her name every time I type it. I wonder if Rihanna even knows or cares where she is right now. I also wonder if we'll have to watch any more Skybox segments, or if those could mercifully be over with such a packed finale. Rihanna does not appear to care about that, either.

Adam looks so cute in his tuxedo. I don't know why Carson wants to check in with the coaches, but he makes them talk anyway. It's Carson's last night out on the town before he recoils back into the world of shows on at 1 am. Remember the days of TRL before you were replaced by VJs with names like "Sway," Carson? Me neither.

Adam says his bowtie is constricting, Cee Lo says he is partial toward Nicholas. It is Christina's birthday, and she's holding a rhinestone-studded fan and donning her least expensive wig for the occasion. I like her full-finger ring, and her attitude, clearly questioning whether or not she needs to be here anymore. Not really, Christina, but we'll let you perform.

Now, another look at Terry McDermott, who "knows how to rock" and will be performing "Rock and Roll All Night" with his fallen comrades. Yes, America, you asked for it and here it is: Rudy Parris, Amanda Brown, Bryan Keith, and Michaela Paige performing KISS. Terry knocked Rudy Parris out in the "knockout" rounds, should have lost to Amanda Brown, doesn't relate at all to Michaela Paige, and included Bryan Keith as a courtesy.

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The Voice

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