For a second, out of the corner of my eye, I thought Michaela was a drag queen. I was excited by that, but now I see that it's just another who-cares group performance without any drag queens. Inviting Amanda Brown back to perform with these chumps is almost insulting. I kind of like the way Carson is hyping up the reveal of the winner, just as an added bonus to this "unforgettable" night of crap performances.
Oh god, we're not done Skyboxing yet. Christina Milian is up in her tower, asking Terry's "friends" if they have anything to say to him. No, they don't. I hate everything except Christina Milian's dress up there.
Up next, Nicholas David warrants a duet with Smokey Robinson. They're singing "Cruisin'," taking it back from Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow. This is a good look on Nicholas David. It's chill and soulful. It would be a little bit better if the backup singers weren't drowning out Smokey. I've never really thought about what Smokey Robinson looks like now, but now that he's up there, looking like a wax figure, I'm forced to consider it.
Up next, a clip package about Adam Levine. I don't care about this at all, and will care even less about Blake's or Christina's packages. At least Adam looks nice sometimes. And at least Adam didn't "grow out of" his ADHD, and this clip package is highlighting that.
"Let's just keep this thing going," Carson says tiredly, "it's the finale, the music just keeps on coming and coming." I know, right? The next performance is from The Killers, inexplicably joined by Cassadee Pope. Please no. Still, three cheers for every attempt made to stay relevant tonight.
Fortunately for the integrity of the performance, the "joined by Cassadee Pope" portion is brief, and hardly noticeable. The only thing that could put the cherry on this shit sundae would be Christina Milian dragging The Killers up to the Sprint Skybox and asking them what they think of Cassadee.
Oh good, Carson managed to wrangle some the cast of The Biggest Loser minus the overweight people and Jillian. I wonder how he got them there, what with their busy schedules of constantly working out.
God, Jesus Christ, what is going on up on the stage now? Diego Val, Mackenzie Bourg, Dez Duron, Julio Cesar Castillo, and Cody Belew, "the season's biggest heartbreakers" are singing "Stacey's Mom." They are simultaneously failing to interact with a PG-sexy dancer in a '50s diner waitress outfit. This is my favorite fail of the evening. Cody Belew obviously doesn't give a rat's ass about this show anymore, and my heart grows three sizes as a result. Finally, it is over, and after a quick trip to the Sprint Skybox for Losers, they can get out of those tight jeans.