The Voice

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American Gladiators

Welcome back to The Voice. The show where actually talented musicians coach other talented musicians... and then they all box or something? We're all still waiting to find out where exactly this show is going. Did any of you make that flow chart I requested?

As you may recall, last week Cee Lo Green, Blake Shelton, Christina Aguilera and Adam "Who?" Levine all selected a veritable Whitman's Sampler of winners and sloppy seconds for their teams. After some very careful math, our pointless host, Carson Daly, did his best to ensure that each team had eight members. This week? Who knows what will happen! It could be anything. I hoping it involves guinea pig wrestling. But I guess guinea pigs would probably make Cee Lo Green nervous, what with them being half his size. Seriously, the man is TINY. Did you notice he would never get out of his chair to hug his new team members? That's because his feet didn't touch the ground. Also, if he hugged his new mentees, people would notice he is only three apples high. He's just so cute! I want to give him lots of cuddles. Except for the fact that he's kinda creepy, what with all the hitting on everything who has two X chromosomes -- or even three chromosomes, if they at least look vaguely like Jamie Lee Curtis or at least like they have ta-tas. Manboobs will do in pinch (or a squeeze).

Anyhoo, before we can start, Carson has to remind us of what happened last week on "The World's Most Exciting Singing Competition." Carson has done a careful analysis of "The Secret" and realized that the more he says something the more likely we are to believe it. So we get a quickie montage of all the Most Exciting Singers singing their hearts out in the hopes of being selected by a judge coach for their team. Then Carson cuts to a clip of Christina Aguilera explaining to her team that we are now in the Battle Rounds, and I sincerely hope this show is secretly a reboot of American Gladiators and all the contestants will don patriotic lycra and protective head gear and beat each other with giant foam mallets while singing Adele covers. But, they will probably just sing, and then the coaches and the unseen producers will decide who is most telegenic, likeable, and will garner the most ratings, and thus can move forward.

But wait! There's more! Because this show is the Rube Goldberg machine of reality television, before we can get to the Battle Royale, we are introducing four new characters to the already crowded stage. Apparently one singing sensation (and Adam Levine) per team isn't sufficient. So now we are adding, I don't know, actual coaches to the coaching staff? I really have no idea what we need these people for. It's like the Jonathan Ames novel The Extra Man, where they need an extra guy to accompany a woman on a date, except here they don't actually need extra people. What is going on show? This is nuts! So who are these New and Improved Coaches? Adam Levine is working with Maroon 5's musical director (I am pretty sure that only hatched-in-a-studio bands have musical directors; I mean, Nirvana did not have a musical director. Odd Future does not have a musical director and The Stooges certainly did not have a musical director); Cee Lo has Multi-Platinum Recording Artist Monica; Christina has Australian recording artist Sia; and Blake Shelton has REBA MCENTIRE, who I guess got tired of just making money off her sitcom and wants people to know she is also a country singer. Still, HOT DAMN this show is really packing in the star power. I mean, someone's (probably a tween's who still has the energy to REALLY CARE about these things) head is exploding right now and their parents are totally going to start an angry letter writing campaign to NBC about the irresponsibility of putting so many stars on one show and won't anyone think about the children?? Anyway, the show is FINALLY starting. Let's go!

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The Voice

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