Seth, Ryan, and Theresa file into the kitchen, Seth groaning at his parents' mackage. When Sandy asks why they're not at school, Ryan explains that they were at the doctor's office. And alarmed Kirsten asks if everything is okay, and Seth shrugs that they're fine until Theresa pipes up, "I'm pregnant." Seth's all, "Except for that." At this revelation, Sandy's eyebrows become so concerned that they make him suddenly appeared cross-eyed. But that's not much coming from me, since I see crossed eyes in about half of the population. (Britney Spears, I'm looking at you.)
And, tinkling. (The best tinkling ever, by the way, since we were entirely spared any Marissa in the entire teaser.)
Oh, but here she is now. We join Marissa and Ryan at the Harbor School, as she concludes that Theresa's pregnancy is official, and then snoops over who the father is. If Ryan knew or wanted to share that information, wouldn't he have already done so? Instead of telling her to shut it, he explains that paternity tests aren't done until after birth because it's too dangerous. Marissa doesn't care what's dangerous to other people, though! She cares what affects her! She presses Ryan as to the chances that the baby is his, and in response he implores that he and Marissa were broken up when he slept with Theresa. We've already been subjected elsewhere and ad nauseum to the whole "on a break" thing, so I'm hoping it doesn't go any further than this conversation. Marissa "right"s and "totally"s her equanimity at the situation, but then snits that they were only broken up for a week. And whose fault was that again? He apologizes and wishes he could take back the sex with Theresa; he then asks if she wants to break up because he'll understand. Marissa doesn't think he has a choice, since if he's the baby's father, he has certain obligations to Theresa. Ryan declares that while he wants to help Theresa, he also wants things to work out with Marissa. She smiles, all, "He wants me! Of course he wants me! Who wouldn't want me? Because I'm me!"
Elsewhere at the Harbor School, Seth manically insists on a decaf coffee because otherwise he'll be up for days. Summer tells him she's freaking out about her best friend, and Seth's all, "Princess Sparkle's freaking out?" Summer delivers a perfect "Marissa, dumb-ass." Seth responds that he gets confused, because Marissa and Princess Sparkle both have very shiny hair. And I was just thinking in the last scene that Marissa was looking rather coltish. Not to mention that she and Princess Sparkle have equal capacity to deal emotionally. When Summer asks how Seth can joke, he explains that he's not "equipped" to process this information. Summer whines that Marissa has to live with "Lucifer and Julie Cooper," although we've only in passing heard Summer mildly complain about her own less-than-wonderful home life because her own home life is not what's important. What's important is that everyone is focused on Marissa! In response to the "Lucifer and Julie Cooper" line, Seth jokes that he's always gotten those two confused, as well. When Summer further complains about what will happen to Ryan and Marissa's relationship since they're such the perfect couple, Seth claims to "sort of understand" that perspective because of her own parents' marriage. Wait. How are we suddenly talking about Summer's parents' marriage? How did that happen? Marissa! Marissa! Marissa! Summer threatens Seth with her hot, decaf coffee, and then he whines about not knowing what's going to happen, but just wishing he could help. Summer sweetly points out that they just got past their own drama, and that this was supposed to be their time. If we're lucky, the show will more precisely become Rachel Bilson's time, and she'll take on the Kelly Taylor lead-who-is- not-the-lead. Except she won't suck like Jennie Garth, and there will be no cults and no creepy Professor Findlay and no magically disappearing burns and magazine covers featuring bad, short, mom-ish haircuts. Seth complains that everything is up in the air, then Summer awkwardly non-transitions to announce that they're not having sex. Couldn't she at least have said something like "What won't be up in the air is my legs/ass/[insert appropriate body part here], since we won't be having sex." Seth's all, "Excellent! There's not enough pain and suffering around us already."