Top Chef
Top Chef 3: Watch What Happens

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Shit Happens

Andy would like us to know that while there are five stages of grief, there are also five stages of being on a reality show. God, do we really have to do this? Stage One is Denial with Hung saying his beige dish didn't lack color and more along that line. Stage Two is Anger with Frank telling someone (probably Marcel) to shove his head up his ass, and Mia telling Cliff to "put [your] dick away" (Can I get a black bone?) and stuff like that, lots of swearing, mostly. Stage Three is Bargaining, with Ken trying to defend talking back to Hubert Keller, and Mia pleading to be sent home for Elia's sake. Stage Four is Depression, with Emily crying, and Elia crying, and Sara M. crying, and Casey wondering what the wet stuff is coming down from her eyes, and lots and lots of Dave being a big, red, crying polar bear. Stage Five is Acceptance, with ousted cheftestants accepting their knife-packing in good grace.

Andy wants props for his brilliant parallel and asks if that pretty much sums up the Top Chef experience. "No, there's more," my wonderful Lee Anne says. "It's such a little microcosm to be put in a fishbowl for however many days and with people you don't know, it's not just the competition in the kitchen." Andy wants all the crybabies to raise their hands. Micah raises her hand, as does Ilan. "Does it count after you've been eliminated?" Lia asks. Gail thinks so. Andy targets Dave, who hysterically rolls his eyes and says, "Town crier, yes, season one, yes." Hee. Andy asks if he regrets the tears, and Dave shrugs that it's all very stressful, you're trying to win $100,000, there's a lot on the line, and you're with crazy people, "It's NOT normal!" He then adds, "I mean, I'm not normal, that's why I went on the fucking show."

Colicchio understands how hard it is to be judged on something as personal as their food. I would really love to see Colicchio in a Quickfire. Not an Elimination Challenge, because I think he could ace it, but a Quickfire where he has to cook from vending machines or gas stations. I'll bet he has a "no hugging, no cooking" clause in his contract. Ted Allen is surprised that Ilan raised his hand because he never saw him "crying in the corner." Ilan -- who really wants us to believe he has that much of a soul -- edges forward in his seat and assures us that we didn't see it on air because it never made it, but he cried when Otto left. See, Otto -- who wasn't his professor at culinary school but was still, you know, there -- was a sort of fatherly figure to him and he was emotional when Otto left. Whatever, Ilan, you have the emotional range of a teaspoon. (YES I LOVE AND MEMORIZE HARRY POTTER SHUT UP!)

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Top Chef

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