Oscar Oscar

by admin February 22, 2009
Academy Awards 2009: Liveblog

Zach can't take it any more, Mindy's going to finish things up.

11:05 -- Ooh, Liam Neeson. And the beautiful Freida Pinto, but, really, ooh, Liam Neeson. He's speaking languages! Of a foreign variety, because it's the Foreign Language Oscar, like, CAN WE GET TO THE REAL AWARDS, PLEASE? Japan won. They're very, very happy. I'd be happy if this weren't happening. Kate Winslet looks bored. I've never felt so connected to Kate Winslet in my entire life.

11:08 -- What is Tom "Baybay Hands" Colicchio doing in a Diet Coke commercial? Preaching to me about its unbelievably good taste when everyone knows it's chemical death? I already spend about 15 bucks a day on tomato soup at goddamn 'Wichcraft -- how much money does he need?

11:10 -- Please welcome Queen Latifah? Don't mind if I do. She's singing some lovely songs in a lovely blue dress, and that's all well and good BUT CAN WE GET TO THE REAL AWARDS, PLEASE? Oh my god. This is the death montage? This is the best part of the Oscars and it's being ruined! I'm not even crying, and all I want to do is cry at this! It's literally the only thing I wanted to do all year! This is so wrong. I'm fuming here. RIP Ricardo Montalban, my love. You deserved a proper "In Memoriam" montage. I hope all these people haunt whoever's decision this was. Because ghosts are real; I saw it on Paranormal State.

11:15 -- Now that the best part of the Oscars has been sufficiently ruined, it's time for commercials. Because there's nothing like being brutally raped by Queen Latifah and then relentlessly slapped with MasterCard commercials. Whoa, now Heidi Klum is selling me Diet Coke? WTF, Bravo? If we were in bed with Diet Coke I'd at least appreciate some free cases in the kitchen so I can die a slow, slow death a little earlier than previously expected.

11:18 -- Hugh is back, sparing us from a speech by the guy replacing the head of the Academy. Nice and merciful. Now for Reese Witherspoon!

11:19 -- Ack, she looks terrible. Anyway, she's one of those actresses whose career has become a mess of rom-coms and crappy, contrived disasters, but I still like her so that's all I'm going to say. She's talking about directors. They are very important when one is making a film, apparently. Ron Howard is cute as a Benjamin button, but he ain't winning because Danny Boyle won. More shocks. Where was the Academy during 28 Days Later is all I have to say. Who does a girl have to vomit blood on to get Danny Boyle an Oscar, you guys?

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