11:24 -- A montage of famous Best Actress speeches. It's ladies' night or something! Oh dear god, Elizabeth Taylor! Remember her? Marriage? Noooooooo! Love her.
11:26 -- These are some hot bitches on stage -- Shirley MacLaine, Marion Cotillard, Sophia Loren, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman. Anne Hathaway is SUPER PSYCHED! I'm with her. Also because Rachel Getting Married made me cry like three baby girls. Shirley MacLaine is praising her like nobody's business, and I'm just thinking if I were a young actress I would effing lose it if that happened to me. She's keeping it together surprisingly well. Each previous Best Actress winner is explaining in detail how awesome the other nominees were, but it's just not having the same impact as the Shirley MacLaine-Anne Hathaway bidness. The great Meryl is blowing me away though, just by sitting there. Is that Mamie Gummer?!
11:31 -- Alright, I'm a giant Angaloonie, so I'll spare you, but I am freaking out right now at Nicole Kidman talking about her. I need help.
11:32 -- The Oscar goes to Kate Winslet. I know, pick your damn jaw up off the floor. I mean, I know the Oscars are always predictable, but is it always this bad? Of course it is, but it still surprises me every year for some reason. That's everyone's relationship with the Oscars, I suppose. It's that abusive boyfriend you keep going back to every time he apologizes and says "Take me back, baby. I got Hugh Jackman singing and dancing for you!"
11:36 -- It's Best Actor time. Robert DeNiro, Adrian Brody, Michael Douglas(!), Anthony Hopkins, Ben Kingsley. It's a fancy affair! I am impressed. You know what else I kind of hated? Frost/Nixon. It was like a bad SNL sketch that lasted two hours. Impressions are an evil thing.
11:39 -- Judd Apatow is sitting behind Sean Penn. For some reason.
11:41 -- Adrian Brody, please cut your hair, you damn hippie.
11:41 -- Richard Jenkins is a genius.
11:41 -- SQUEE! GIA! Alright, I'll try to calm down.
11:42 -- How insane would it be if Mickey Rourke shocked everyone and gave some demure and reserved acceptance speech? Pretty insane. Either way, Robert Pattinson is creepy as shit.
11:43 -- Ho-ly crap. Sean Penn won. Giant upset. I take everything back I ever said about the Oscars being predictable. They are not. They are the most shocking things of all time. Milk was probably my favorite movie of the year, though. And obviously Sean Penn is a great actor. But my heart is breaking for Mickey. The