Greetings, faithful awards show enthusiasts! Tonight we wrap up the 2011 awards season with the biggest, fanciest, loooongest of them all with a blow-by-blow liveblog of the Academy Awards. Mindy Monez will start things off, swapping with Zach Oat every half hour until the bitter end. Let's hope for some surprises, some wardrobe malfunctions and as many mercifully short acceptance speeches as humanly possible.
8:30 - And the show begins with a super montage of all the nominated films. Nice to be reminded that there are other movies besides The King's Speech. That's not going to happen a lot tonight.
8:31 - And it's sketch time. Hathaway and Franco get incepted into former host Alec Baldwin's dreams... which are the Oscar-nominated movies. This isn't the most original show opening ever, but it keeps our attention. Hathaway in double eyepatches for the win.
8:35 - The dance of the brown duck? We take it back, this is going to be long night.
8:37 - Wait -- Back to the Future's nominated??? For what? Best Internet-pandering?
8:39 - Franco, unless your grandmother's Betty White, let's just can this awful gag and move things along.
8:42 - Tom Hanks, you're great, but we don't care about any "awards trifecta" that includes art direction.
8:44 - And so, the show starts off with a category and a winner no one likes: Art direction and Alice in Wonderland. Does not bode well.
8:47 - And Best Cinematography goes to Inception. Wish it were director, but we'll take it.
8:51 - James Franco introduces screen legend Kirk Douglas the way he says everything: like a 14-year-old being sent to his room. For getting high.
8:52 - Kirk Douglas is using this time to hit on Anne Hathaway. Adorable! (We've never been so uncomfortable in my entire life.)
8:55 - And Kirk Douglas calls out Hugh Jackman in the audience for laughing at him. Grandpaaaaaa, stoooooppppp!
8:56 - The supporting actress nominees hate Kirk Douglas SO MUCH.
8:57 - Melissa Leo wins best supporting actress after all. Can't wait to see everyone take out seemingly destructive campaign ads for themselves next year. And her F-bomb only makes us love her even more. Wicked.
8:58 - Now Kirk Douglas is hitting on Melissa Leo, too. Have we ruled out that that isn't just Charlie Sheen in a Mission: Impossible mask?
9:02 - A Banksy reference and an app joke from Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. You damn kids better be watching this crap. (And yet we'd prefer these two as hosts than Franco and Hathaway. Then again, we'd prefer Kirk Douglas as host to Franco and Hathaway).