11:07: Really Oscars? Your last clip in the Death Montage is from Cleopatra? One of the biggest flops of all time? We guess it did almost kill a studio and Elizabeth Taylor's career, so it's kind of appropriate. Doesn't really fit with the whole "movies are awesome" theme of the night, though.
11:12: Whoa, the Academy remembered that Patton Oswalt exists! Sure he's been relegated to these strange "Why Movies are Great" videos, but any Patton is good Patton in our book.
11:13: "Welcome back," says walking corpse Billy Crystal. He's looking as tired as we all feel. You aren't 42 anymore Billy! Heck, you aren't even 62 anymore.
11:15: Who can we pay to have Natalie Portman say nice things about us? We wouldn't need a morning cup of coffee with that kind of pick me up.
11:16: Weird to be showing the one big scene featuring sound from The Artist as Jean Dujardin's Oscar clip. It's not like he even speaks in it or anything.
11:18: This kind of personalized address to each nominee is sweet and all, but it does make this thing drag on loooong. You can see all the nominees sitting there thinking, "Thanks Nat -- get to the award already, please."
11:19: And Jean Dujardin beats out the Cloonster for the win! No Robert Benigni antics here. Just a charming speech, a mega-watt smile and a little soft shoe. We've got no complaints. And we're happy that ABC didn't bleep out his F-bomb, either. You know: formidable!
11:24: Time for Colin Firth to whisper some sweet nothings to the Best Actress nominees. And again we ask, who can we pay to get Firth to give us that kind of personalized "You're awesome" speech every day?
11:26: "And Rooney you are... also one of the nominees. I'll have more to say about you when you make more than one movie."
11:27: Colin Firth reminds us all that a Mamma Mia movie exists and that it starred Meryl Streep. Why'd you have to go and bring that up again, Colin? We were perfectly happy pretending that whole movie was just one big acid trip.
11:28: Michelle Williams always looks as if she's one second away from weeping. Six seasons on Dawson's Creek will do that to you.
11:29: Woah, the night's first (and only) big upset! Meryl Streep trumps Viola Davis for her (admittedly pretty darn good) Margaret Thatcher impersonation. And poor Viola has to wait another year for an award that she so richly deserves.