9:46: Actually, it's appropriate that Affleck handed the Sugar Man guys that Oscar, given that both movies are simplified accounts of much more interesting true stories.
9:50: Okay, someone needs to make an Alias reboot with Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain right the hell now.
9:51: Foreign Language Feature. Amour?
9:51: Yes, Amour. Zero Dark Surprise there.
9:54: John Travolta (or his wax dummy) pays tribute to great Hollywood musicals.... like Les Miz and Chicago. Yeah... um...
9:55: This number does remind us at least that Zeta Jones was the least objectionable part about the Chicago movie.
9:59: If Jennifer Hudson botches this performance, the Academy is legally allowed to take her Oscar back.
10:00: You know, if someone wandered into this broadcast mid-show, they'd probably assume the Grammys were still going on given the way musical performances have dwarfed actual awards.
10:02: Of course they make Hugh sing the crappy new song they wrote for the movie just so it'd get an Original Song Oscar.
10:03: The only way this can get any better is if they replace Russell Crowe with James Franco.
10:04: Samantha Barks, people. That is all. Also, Enjolras.
10:06: We know this isn't really very good, but the drama nerd in us is FREAKING THE HELL OUT RIGHT NOW! ONE DAY MORE!!!!!
10:06: Ahem. Sorry, back on planet Earth now.
10:09: Zoe Saldana is a special effect. You know this to be true.
10:12: Hey, remember when the Oscars used to hand out awards?
10:13: Ted 2 needs to happen if only because Mark Wahlberg is so damn good acting opposite that damn teddy bear.
10:14: Sound Mixing is on deck. Oscar goes to, Les Miz because it had, you guessed it, the Most Sound.
10:15: On to Sound Editing, but first, time for some anti-Semitic teddy bear patter.
10:16: People, if you haven't seen Ted, it really is funnier than this intro fiasco would suggest, honest.
10:16: In a rare Oscar tie, Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall share the Sound Editing award. Countdown until Chastain goes, "I'm the motherfucker who tied with James Bond."
10:20: ...And all of five people got that Sound of Music joke. But those five people laughed really, really hard.
10:21: Chris Plummer (who generally loathes talking about his time as a Von Trapp by the by) comes onstage to present Best Supporting Actress. We said Anne Hathaway. No way in hell we're wrong, the Waltz upset notwithstanding.