A Free Agent

Episode Report Card
Erin: A | Grade It Now!
It's called Alias, not Ford Focus's Alias

Anyway, Wife of Slater walks over to him and is all, what the fuck's your problem, Einstein? It's your son's birthday and you're off in theorem land. Snap to it, mister! Slater's all, stutter stutter, blink blink, I'm thisclose to a solution! She's all, shut up. I'm only standing here pretending to listen to you so that someone can kidnap our son. Wife of Slater, by the way, is played by Tracy Middendorf, the actress who played some psycho wife on 24. I don't watch the show, so I know nothing about her, but according to the forums, this lady plays the distressed wife quite a bit. And she winds up dead a lot, too, which really doesn't bode well for her character here. ["Middendorf, a.k.a. 'Crazy Laura from 90210,' was last seen stuffed into the trunk of a Ford Thunderbird. Go figure." -- Sars]

After Wife of Slater harps on him a bit more about the bad father crap, he glances over at his son and sees his little red jacket just lying there on the floor, all sad and childless. Slater's all, uh, I'd love to be a better father and everything but, like, don't I have to have a CHILD to do that? The shit hits the fan, and the Slaters start freaking out and shouting for their son.

Slater goes around the corner, and my ex-boyfriend Sarkie shows up, looking dashingly handsome in his leather jacket. He's all, hey, Slater -- you can drop the frantic daddy act. I know where your kid is at and it ain't Chuck E. Cheese, okay? Slater just stares at him as we hit the Alias title card and zoom off to Hell-Lay.

Ovary Electric. Syd comes out of her bedroom, dressed in her graduation cap and gown. Will and Francinator are chillin' at The Counter Of Sighs And Whispers, and they both turn to look at Syd as she makes her way over to them. Hey, Will's back! I thought we'd given up on that adorable son of a bitch. Hi, Will! Where ya been? How's tricks? Still a recovering addict? Still cute as all get out? Yeah. That's what I thought.

So, like, Syd's all trilly about her gown and how plain it is and she's all, Francinator? Is this too boring? Does it need something? I feel like it needs some pearls or a big gold medallion or something. Francinator walks over, and instead of stabbing Syd in the chest with a stiletto and going, "There! That's what it needed! I nice big HOLE IN THE CHEST!" she just touches Syd on the shoulders and tells her shelooksbeautiful. Then Francinator hugs Syd and tells her that she's proud of her, with this really sinister look on her face. Syd, instead of glowing with the acknowledgement of her friend's pride and admiration, just looks disturbed and bothered and clearly thinks that something is UP with her girlfriend. The phone rings, and Francinator goes to get it while Will asks Syd for a four-letter word for "ice cream thickener." Syd's all, agar, dude. And that about does it for Will in this episode. I wish I were kidding.

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