Alias
A Free Agent

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It's called Alias, not Ford Focus's Alias

Hey! The Alias theme music and title sequence is back! I thought we'd given up on that hip and fun son of a bitch! Hi, theme music and title sequence! How's tricks? Still clicking and grinding and making us dance? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Sloane's Secret Lair Of Longitudes And Attitudes. Uncle Arvin's stalking down a hallway, much as Syd stalks down every hallway in existence. He enters this large room where Slater's slumped over a table. A bunch of huge lights are turned on, and Slater kind of squints his eyes and feels around on the table. Yeah. Now y'all know what it's like to be me in the morning before I can grope blindly for my glasses. Sloane hands Slater his glasses and he puts them on, looking around. Sarkie and one of the other Minions of Doom are standing around, watching as Slater hyperventilates and asks where his family is. Uncle Arvin, dashing in his black turtleneck and replanted facial hair, informs Slater that the family's safe, and if he plays nice with the other mad scientists, they may even remain breathing. Then Arvin opens up some satchel and removes a bunch of five-hundred-year-old Rambaldi drawings that he's been collecting for the past thirty years. Damn. He's a nerd. Slater's all, yeah, nice doodles, dingbat. What the hell do you want with me? Sloane's all, yeah, you're gonna help me figure them out, Science Boy. Take a look. There will be a quiz on this later. Gold stars for accuracy!

Hell-Lay. Dixon's sitting in some room at Oops Center. Syd enters and takes a seat opposite him. She informs him that he's been cleared and that she wanted to be the one to tell him. Dixon looks like he wants to pick Sydney up by the hair and swing her around the room a few times before attaching her to the front of a Ford Focus and driving directly into a cement wall. Syd says that the CIA wants to offer Dix a position. Dix looks all kinds of regretful and remorseful and generally sad. She's all, your friendship was the only thing that kept me sane. Dix is all, uh, yeah, how long have you known? Syd's all, uh, two years, but that's not important right now! Dix just looks down at his hands and tries to think of just one good reason why he shouldn't go Raging Bull on her ass. Syd's all, I know you would never have willingly betrayed your country! I know that! I also know that you're much bigger than me so I'm going to shut up now! "We were partners," he says, his voice choking with emotion. "You lied to me, then chose to tell me the truth when it was convenient for you. I never want to see you again." Carl Lumbly RULES. Syd holds back the tears and slowly exits. Dix looks like he's about to lose it.

Elsewhere in Oops Center, Dingus is giving some desk jockey his list of needs. "Okay!" he says as they speed down the hall. "I'll need taps into all gov networks -- NSA, DoD, FBI, CIA. Oh, I'll need a red phone to the president." Desk Job's all, uh, no. Dingus's all, just kidding. Then they turn the corner and make it in the center of Oops Center and Dingus acts as if there are naked Cirque du Soleil trapeze artists going through one of their airborne routines in the center of the room. He's all, wow. Dude. It's a big warehouse with fluorescent lights. Please tell me you're not impressed by this.

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Alias

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