Alias
A Free Agent

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It's called Alias, not Ford Focus's Alias

Vaughn walks up and welcomes Dingus to the CIA. "I've heard that before," quips Dingus. Vaughn's all, well, this time it's for real, dude. And the coffee's free too! He escorts Dingus over to his desk, and Syd walks up and gives him a huge hug. She's all, you okay? He's all, yeah, I frequently have to fight the urge to weep openly and deny myself the supreme pleasure of backing over you with my Ford Focus several hundred times, but, like, I'm good. Syd's all, yeah, so, uh, whatever. I know you need to adjust and everything but, like, could you help us with something? We need to find Sloane. Then Marshall launches into this hilarious speech wherein he basically trounces Syd for betraying him, but he does it in such an addled and fumbling way that you feel SO bad for him.

"Well, [Sloane] probably erased everything from his hard drive before he left," Dingus says, "and the deletion program I installed last year exceeded DoD sanitizing standards 'cause, you know, I thought I was working for the government! You know the story because you also thought you were working for -- I mean, you actually were working for the government and we didn't really know but that's okay." There's this awkward pause as everyone kind of realizes that this is a dig. "I'll see what I can do," he finally finishes, and scrambles off.

Dixon's Domestic Domicile. Mrs. Dix is doing the dishes when Dix enters. They make nice-nice with the kissing, and Dix asks where the kids are. Mrs. Dix tells him that they're in the park and kind of yammers on while Dix looks as if he's standing on hot coals in his bare feet. Finally, he swallows hard and tells his wife that they need to talk. She looks worried, and asks if it's his mother. You know, if Carl Lumbly weren't such an awesome actor, I would totally be blah-blahing my way through this scene right now. Seriously. I'm bored. But he's so good! I just can't leave it at "blah blah, Dix tells his wife the truth." Dix gets choked up again as he struggles to tell his wife about the reality of his life. "I don't work at a bank," he grunts, close to losing it. "I never have." Mrs. Dix just swallows hard and stares at him.

Oops Center. Marshall technobabbles about Sloane's database or something. He discovers that Sloane probably visited the cyber geek from the Not Dead Emily episode. Jack just snaps, "I'll go." Which I guess means "I'll go alone," because the next thing we see is Jack slamming his way into a completely dark office with no more backup than a promise and a prayer. Seriously. Way stupid, dude. Jack discovers the crusty dead body of the Cyber Geek, and his left eye is blinking on and off. Ew.

Back at Oops Center, Dingus is filling in the troops on what appears to be Cyber Geek's fake left eye. There's some nerdy back-and-forth between Kendall and Dingus wherein Dingus does his trademark diarrhea of the mouth routine and Kendall finally tires of it and goes, point? Got one? Bring it. Syd shoots Kendall a nasty look as Dingus tells everyone that Cyber Geek was blind in his left eye and dedicated his life to wetware experiments. "Wetware" basically means merging technology and the brain. Or something. Vaughn's all, what would Sloane want with a wetware expert? Boy, he's just full of stupid questions tonight, isn't he? Jack's all, Sloane had that thingy implanted in his neck when he joined the Alliance, and he probably hired Cyber Geek to deactivate it or some such shit. Dingus is all, yeah, right, but check this out -- I downloaded all the crap on Cyber Geek's digital fake eye, and I got this cool-ass video of Sloane killing Cyber Geek. Oh, and I invented this little lip-reading program so, like, I recorded Sloane saying something into his cell phone about chartering a C-123 out of Shipman to transport the artifacts. Yeah. Whatever.

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Alias

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