A Man Of His Word

Episode Report Card
Erin: C+ | 1 USERS: B-
And that word is, "Buh-bye."

So, Sark has a wee little demand in exchange for his help. "I've heard from unreliable sources that Lauren Reed is dead. Now, I've filed numerous requests about her status. All have gone unanswered. What I want is to visit her grave. I want to see her body for myself." "How nice for you," snits Sloane. "But I'm not in the habit of granting the wishes of pretty little blond tarts with a penchant for dead chicks. Blow me, butthead." Actually, he just says, "I'll arrange for transport." Huh? What? No, "Uh, sorry, dude. No can do. Have fun back in prison!" Just, "Yeah, okay. Sure. You want a limo?" "There's something else," says Sark. Of course there is. How 'bout a frappuccino? A fluffy pillow? Some hookers and a pile of coke? Looks like Sloane's feeling fairly generous, Sark. I bet you could even get a pony at this point.

Elsewhere in the Apple Store, Vaughn and Syd meet up to recap last week's Sarkastrophe in South Africa. Vaughn announces that he thinks Sark is trying to cut a deal right now and Syd's all, ew! I hate Sark! He's smelly! We can't trust him! Vaughn's all, oh, whatever. In about twenty minutes, you're going to make out with him while I watch, so this entire conversation is stupid and unnecessary. Syd's all, no, seriously, HATE SARK. Vaughn's all, get over it so we can get on with the damn plot already. Jack, always eager to please, shows up and announces that Sark's going to lead the CIA to Ushek. Oh, and he wants to exhume Moronen's body. Vaughn's all, what? No fucking way, dude. Tell that little pisher to get bent. I am OVER his shit. Or he just says, "Fine. Let him." THE HELL? I…I think the writers WERE in Vegas when this episode was being written, but I think they handed the writing duties over to an orangutan named Bert who got paid in carrots. I mean, WHAT? Then Jack is all, oh, okay, so you're fine with the exhumation thing, right? How 'bout this? Sark wants YOU to open the coffin for him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS? "Eeee eee eee!" says Bert, scratching his butt in some Vegas hotel room. "Eee EEEE! EEEE eeee EEEE!"

Lord. So, Jack's all, will you open the coffin? Syd's all, YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM. Jack's all, uh, actually, I can, but right now, I'm just asking him, so how 'bout you go make yourself useful and, like, get me some anti-coma medicine or something. Vaughn's all, yeah, okay, fine, I'll open the coffin. Syd's all, YOU DON'T HAVE TO. Vaughn's all, yeah, maybe you should listen to your father for once in your life. Jack's all, yeah! Syd's all, whuh? I'm all, thank god there are approximately twenty minutes of commercials during this damn episode because I AM READY TO KILL SOMEONE.

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