Alias
A Man Of His Word

Episode Report Card
Erin: C+ | 1 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
And that word is, "Buh-bye."

And now is the time on Alias when we fire up the drums of hate and the turntables of pain and I GET READY TO KILL SOMEONE.

Secret Chamber of Cryogenically Maintained Dead Ex-Wives. No. I'm not kidding you. Moronen hasn't been buried, you see. She's frozen. In a tray. In some basement somewhere. Vaughn says it's for national security reasons. I say it's because the Alias staff didn't want to spend the money on a decomposing Moronen dummy and it was cheaper just to get Melissa George to lie still for five minutes while wearing blue lipstick. Vaughn unlocks the drawer, and it takes about three hours for the damn thing to open, which gives Sark time to wax pathetic about how he hopes to achieve closure or something in regard to Lauren's death. Oh, Jesus. Vaughn blathers something about how you have to care about stuff in order to need closure. Sark returns the blather, saying something about how maybe he just hopes the three of them can share a moment. GAH. I hate this whole scene. I really do. Unless it's proven, further along in the season, that Sark did this whole thing as part of some grander manipulation, I will hate this scene and the fact that it suggests that Sark actually loved Lauren UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

"Your wife loved me," says Sark. OH REALLY? REALLY? Blurgh. Blah. I am seriously going "etttccccthhhh" out loud in my living room right now. I wish you could hear me. That bitch didn't love anything but her black eyeliner and Sark sure as hell doesn't love anything or anyone nearly as much as he loves himself and this whole damn storyline is KILLING THIS SHOW FOR ME. Right now. Killing. Gah. Vaughn FINALLY opens the damn drawer and Sark unzips the black case that encloses Lauren. God, this is taking FOREVER. We see bullet holes and more bullet holes and Sark says something about how the holes are in a triangular pattern, consistent with CIA training, and this suddenly makes him stand up and say, "It was you. You did this." Um. Yeah. He did, Sark. And you already knew this. Or have you forgotten that you actually SAID AS MUCH TO VAUGHN ONLY LAST WEEK? Seriously. What in the hell is going on with this episode? "Braaaaack!" says Bert, sucking on a popsicle. "BRAAAAAACK EEE EEE!"

God. GOD. Whatever. Vaughn says yeah, he killed her, whatever, she deserved it, you already knew anyway, I hate this scene. Sark's all, you killed the woman I loved, even though I totally didn't love her, because I really love Sydney, and beer nuts, I love beer nuts, and crying, I love crying, even though I don't have tear ducts, but I'm going to make a good show of it and just, you know, start sobbing here, in order to make it look like I care, which I don't, and while I'm fake crying, I'm going to just grab some of Lauren's DNA or something, so I can use it later in the season WHEN I DON'T SUCK SO HARD. Sark finally stands up and says that he'll take Vaughn to the CRF but he wants him to face what he did first and MY GOD WILL IT NEVER END. Vaughn looks down at Lauren and it's Melissa George all right, and she's never looked better. The Strings of Why Does This Episode Suck So Much kick into high gear as Vaughn and Sark (hopefully) both get that damn closure they seem to require.

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Alias

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