Previously on Alias: The show sucked. But only for three episodes.
Ten Things I Learned While Watching Alias:
- Triangles do NOT work, no matter how compelling you think you're making them.
- Justin Theroux is hot.
- Jennifer Garner knows how to work a set of hair extensions like nobody's business.
- Arvin Sloane is physically and mentally incapable of being a good guy.
- Justin Theroux is totally hot.
- Vaughn still has a jones for his ex-would-be-dead girlfriend.
- Diving into a pool from nineteen floors above is not only not dangerous but also incredibly sexy and eye-catching.
- Pregnant women are bitches.
- Mrs. Vaughn is still annoying.
- Justin Theroux is super-major hot.
We enter this stellar episode by witnessing, once again, Lost Time Syd murdering Sark's father, a.k.a. "Lazarey," on the infamous tape. By the way, I can NEVER get Lazarey's name right. I type "Lazeney" or "Lazenby" or Lazaney," but never "Lazarey". Thank GOD the first time I spelled it, I spell-checked that hummer, or we'd wind up with "Lazarenofiorruccibonfuccio" or something.
Right. So, anyway, we start off this ep with Syd and Jack watching Lost Time Syd on her computer screen. Syd seems to think that Lazarey said something like "jewel" or "Julie" or "Julia" right before he died. Jack doesn't give a damn. Syd doesn't give a damn that Jack doesn't give a damn; she wants to analyze the damn video a couple more damn times to figure out what happened to her, dammit! Jack's all, Syd, no good will come of this. Now can't you just go suffer through Matrix: Reloaded like everyone ELSE who was stupid enough to buy it?
Syd's all, dude, I killed someone. I wanna know what happened to me. Jack's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, this haunts you. I get it. Syd's all, of course this haunts me. I lost…wait…what was it…how many years did I lose? The collective viewing audience at large screams, "TWO YEARS!" Then the collective viewing audience at large grabs three shots of their favorite alcohol and, as dictated by the Alias Drinking Game, the rules of which state, "Drink three shots each time Syd blames everything on losing two years," knocks them all back in quick succession. By the end of this episode, it's quite possible that the viewing audience at large will each have downed 42 shots of alcohol and will be passed out on their living room floors, drooling and muttering something about repetitive writing.
Syd blabbles and boo-hoos about killing Lazarenocoppolis, and yibbers something about how she killed Sark's dad in cold blood and why would she do such a thing? Well, um, 'cuz he's Sark's dad, dumb-ass. Durr. She's all, if someone conditioned me to do this, what in the hell else did they have me do? Well, if they conditioned you to roll your eyes at the jerk-offs in front of you at Starbucks who take twenty minutes to order a cup of VERONA and you find yourself with a compelling urge to shove a stir stick up their left nostrils, then there's a distinct chance that I, too, might have been involved with some conditioning myself.