Previously on Alias: I gave a damn about what happens on this show. Currently on Alias: J.J. Abrams and crew spent some quality time with a batch of PCP brownies and several DVDs of Three's Company and totally messed with one of my favorite guilty pleasures of all time. Pass the Prozac. It's gonna be a bumpy night.
In case we forgot, Lauren shot Sark's daddy and is now a confirmed bad guy. Or girl. Or whatever. Then the white words come on the black screen and announce that we're in Chamonix. I have no idea where that is. I think it's in Switzerland. No, I'm not going to look it up on Google. It barely matters in this episode, and quite frankly, I don't give a shit if it's in Switzerland or not. I wish I were in Switzerland. With some wine. And Ioan Gruffudd. And nary a crappy episode in sight.
So, Syd and Vaughn are doing something to some rock wall. No, I don't know what. It involves a receiver or something. They appear to be hanging from bungee cords. They set up a camera that's housed inside a boulder or something. You know, just like those hide-a-keys your mom used to keep the backdoor key in that fooled no one, least of all burglars, seeing as she'd toss it onto a nice patch of dirt beneath a bush where there wasn't a single other rock to be seen. Crack security expert, the mom.
The camera pulls back, and Syd and Vaughn are indeed hanging in the middle of a mountain face. There's a lovely chalet down below. Syd gets on the horn and tells Marshall that the security camera's in place. He confirms that it's online and that the, uh, infrared is online. Or whatever. Syd and Vaughn unhook themselves from the bungee cords (I guess) and Syd turns to him all, you ready? Vaughn just looks at her and is all, well, actually, I wanted to talk to you about that kiss back in Korea. Syd's all, dude? Don't bother trying to cohesively connect to the last episode, okay? The writers certainly aren't, so why should you be any different? Fuck it. ARE YOU READY? Vaughn's all, let's go! They jump back from the wall, and their teeny tiny CGI likenesses dive down the side of a teeny tiny CGI mountain and suddenly throw up their teeny tiny CGI parachutes. Nothin' like teeny tiny CGI to pull me right into a story. Not to mention a useless preamble involving a rock, a chateau, and a security camera. Yeah. We're off to an GREAT start.
Hell-Lay. Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Dixon informs the troops that, according to Griffin Dunne, one of his former arms dealer contacts lives in the chalet that Syd and Vaughn just parachuted over. Ol' Griff did quite a lot of Covenant business down at the chalet, says Spy Daddy. What the Covenant doesn't know is that, once Griff decided to defect to the United Soviet State of the Unification of the Country Known As The Covenant, he hid a microdisk at the chalet that has something called the Doleac Agenda on it. What's the Doleac Agenda, you ask? Well, I'm sure glad you did. Because Syd wants to know too, and fortunately for us, she just asked Spy Daddy what the hell it is.