Alias
Authorized Personnel Only, Part II

Episode Report Card
Erin: C | 3 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Double Your Premiere, Double Your Fun

The Apple Store on Michigan Avenue. Syd and Vaughn are walking along together, looking nice and chummy. Jack and Sloane are watching them. What's up with Sloane's jacket, by the way? It's one of those stand-up collar jobs that looks like it belongs on an accountant in Blade Runner or Demolition Man. I mean, it's cool and everything, it's just…no one else in the office is sporting anything like it, so Sloane winds up looking like he…accidentally got his jacket wrong or something. Anyway, Sloane just has to ruin the moment by saying, "You didn't tell her, did you? The truth." "I told her that I was responsible for the death of her mother," says Jack, turning to look at him. "Did you tell her everything?" Sloane asks. "She's better off not knowing everything," says Jack, turning back to look at his daughter with Vaughn. Yeah. That little moment made me wonder if Vaughn had something to do with the death of Irina. I know what happens at the end of the episode and I still think Vaughn might have had something to do with it. I just don't trust him. He's got a jones for killing duplicitous ex-wives, y'all.

So Sloane's all, dude. That's a tough call, man. Not telling your kid the truth. Wow. Jack's all, yeah, well, I'd rather she hate me than, like, know the truth. (I know it doesn't make sense -- but that's the gist of what he says. I don't write this shit, you know.) Jack's worried that the truth would incapacitate Sydney. Whatever. She thought her mom was dead and then found out she was alive and then her mother shot her. I think if she can handle that crap, she can handle the real reason Jack killed Irina. Or Vaughn killed Irina. Or Vaughn had sex with Irina and Jack killed her. Or something. I have no idea what's going on.

Brussels. Or Beverly Hills. I can't tell. Is there a difference? Dixon's on assignment, pretending to be some high flyer. He's talking to some bald dude, and he tells Baldy that he has the Shintaro sword to sell. Baldy's verrrry interested and he goes off to make a few calls. Dix calls in and tells Sloane that the deed is done. Sloane tells him to get his ass home and then he walks over to Sydney's desk, gets waaaaaay too close to her, and informs her that, with the sword in play, they should hear from Rick Yune in a matter of hours. He goes away, then returns a second later and PUTS HIS HAND RIGHT ON HER SHOULDER. Ewwwww! Like, his hand is inches away from her breastbone, dudes! Uncle Inappropriate needs to be stopped. Syd totally agrees with me too because the look on her face is like, "If I just turn to my left, I could totally take a chunk outta his palm with my canines." "It's good, isn't it?" smarms Sloane. "Having the team back together, hmmm?" Rifkin's totally enjoying being ooky. He is. He kind of pats her shoulder and then finally walks off, leaving Syd to wonder if she has Clorox and a steel brush tucked away in her file cabinet.

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Alias

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