Once upon a time, in a television reality far, far away, there was a girl named Sydney who worked for the bad guys even though she thought they were the good guys. And then there was some shooting. And some lying. And some kissing. And then it all went to hell when some smart guy decided to blow up SD-6 and then Syd disappeared for two years but then she didn't remember and Vaughn married someone else but she was a spy but she didn't start out that way it was just that the fans didn't like her so the writers decided to make her a bad guy or girl or whatever, and then Lena Olin didn't come back and I cried and then I drank and then the season came to an end and Sydney supposedly found out that her whole life was basically a setup but that doesn't really matter right now because nothing that happened last season or the season before that or the season before that really matters because we're starting all over, from the very beginning, that's a very good place to start and kill me before I start singing about edelweiss.

If you want to know what happened last season, or any other season, if you're even remotely interested, then you know where the recaps are, children. I suggest you do some light reading on your lunch hour.

We open on a door that's lit from behind. To the strains of "At Last," as sung by Etta James, the door opens and…there is Sydney, clad only in a filmy white negligee and matching panties. She's also wearing a blonde wig, so we know she's on an assignment and not meeting Vaughn for a little nookie-on-the-rails action. This is actually a really nice moment, with the music and the opening shot, because it's like the Alias team is going, "Heh. Yeah. We're back. And it's been awhile. So, at last, here's what you've been waiting for." If what we'd been waiting for was a bunch of outlandishly expository scenes strung loosely together by a bunch of outlandishly elaborate fight sequences. What? You don't agree? Too bad. I'm putting you on mute.

So, anyway, Syd performs the Bristow/Derevko swagger down a hallway and turns into a room where a nerdy man is sitting and waiting for her. Syd does this hilarious little skirt pull with the negligee top that's kind of sex-kitten-y without being gross. According to the captioning, Syd asks if the negligee is okay for her in a Swedish accent. Glad the captioning was there to provide that bit of clarity; I thought it was a French accent myself. ["I thought it was Russian. You learn something new every day." -- Sars] Syd continues the faux Bardot act and they engage in some dumb dialogue that really does nothing to further the story, so I'll leave it out. Also? This scene is only going to lead us to one of those "72 hours earlier" plot devices I hate so very much, so I really don't see the point in recapping it in its entirety since I'm just going to have to do it all over again in about seven paragraphs.

Suffice it to say, Sydney somehow charms her way into getting Nerdy Guy to open up his super-secret case, which is obviously what she's there to do in the first place. Inside is a computer keyboard and a flat piece of metal with three lights on it. What is it? Does it matter? You're going to find out later anyway. Nerdy Guy just states that this thing can be used for good or for evil and Syd flits that it's pretty much the same thing with her. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. Say no more. Syd then manages to get him to open some interior panel and Nerdy Guy says it's an unstable isotope or something. It's only five minutes in and I already don't care about whatever mission this is. What I do care about is how kick-ass my TiVo is and how wicked cool it is recapping with it. The combo of TiVo plus my spanky new laptop is almost orgasmic, people. At least, they're turning me on in a way this entire episode…didn't.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18Next