Previously on Alias: The show kicked all kinds of ass. Syd found out she had a sister. Vaughn found out Moronen was the mole. Sloane died. Then Jack brought him back. It was AWESOME.
Tonight on Alias: I have an aneurysm. Seriously. If you notice portions of the recap deteriorating, that's just me. Having a mini-stroke. From having to pay attention so damn hard to all the shit that's crammed into this episode that my brain actually EXPLODES.
We start off with Vaughn and Dix. They're down at the shooting range, and Vaughn's taking shots at cutouts of Moronen with her leaky eyeliner showing. Vaughn's pissed because he hasn't had the chance to tell his wife to go fuck herself yet. Dix is sympathetic, but it doesn't matter, because now that Sloane's dead (not), they've reached a dead (not) end in the search for The Passenger, so Moronen's too valuable of an ass -- erm, "asset" for them to lose right now. Oh, whatever. Just shoot her. Dix blah blahs about how they can use Moronen to feed disinformation to the Covenant in order to keep them from bunking up Jack and Syd's investigation. He assures Vaughn that as soon as they find The Passenger, they'll put Moronen into custody. Until then, Weiss will keep up surveillance on her. "I'm sorry," says Dix with a huff. Vaughn just cocks (hee!) his gun, aims, and blows the eyeliner right off Moronen's face.
And can I just say, for the record, that there's nothing quite as hot as Michael Vartan shooting a gun. I know it's wrong. I know it bespeaks a streak of violence within me. I know that guns are bad. I don't care. Michael Vartan can pop a cap in my ass any old time.
Subbasement of Dreams and Desires. Aw! How I missed the SDD! It's been away too long! That used to be my favorite place back in S1 and S2. Well, that and Mama Hari's Den of Delights. Sigh. I miss S1 and S2. Sniffle. Ahem. Okay, so we're in the SDD, and Syd's entering with a briefcase that I assume holds The Hourglass. She snits something about not being sure she should have come. Jack, for his part, appreciates that Sydney could put aside her misplaced anger and rather irritating holier-than-thou attitude in order to just fucking show up. He turns to her and reveals that he did find evidence that Sloane was working with The Trust. Syd's all, uh, dude? It's a little late for you to be telling me this now. Duh. Sloane's dead, y'all. Jack's all, uh, yeah, about that…
"Sydney," says Sloane, emerging from the shadows. Syd just kind of catches her breath. Jack explains that he was about to give Marlon the goods on Sloane's innocence when he all of a sudden realized that Marlon was a member of The Trust. What was it that gave him away, Jack? The fact that he was, I don't know, standing? Walking? Talking? ALIVE? Because, like, that little moment of Marlon and Jack talking before Jack was supposed to hand over the Sloane file gave NO indication to me whatsoever that Marlon was a baddie. And you know what? I'm not going back over the tape to confirm this. Suffice it to say, Jack Bristow is, along with being the ass-kicking-est daddy on the face of the planet, apparently psychic and a damn fine judge of people. Except for his wife. And occasionally Sloane. And apparently Moronen. And…I think I just deflated this argument.
Right. Moving on. Syd and Jack make their way over to Sloane as Jack tells her that executing Sloane was apparently part of The Trust's big-picture plan. In case we missed the last episode and the last recap, Ron Rifkin brings us up to speed on that whole wine-that-makes-you-immune-to-death-penalty-drugs scenario. So. See. Sloane wasn't dead. He just seemed to be dead. Get it? "Sydney," says Sloane, "whatever grief my apparent death might have caused you, I only wish I could have spared you the pain --" Oh, dude. You just. Oh, man. Syd's gonna rip you a new one, dude. And here she goes. "When I heard you were dead, the only grief I felt was over the possibility of never knowing my sister. I did not grieve for you." Well put, Syd. Sloane agrees with me. "I see," he says with a wry grimace. "Well, in the interest of finding your sister," he says grimly, "may I have The Hourglass?"