Ten Things I Learned While Watching Alias:
- Sometimes, when the episodes are full of action, the recaps aren't as funny. They just aren't.
- I wish Jack Bristow was my father. Not that I don't love my father dearly, but unless he has a hidden weapons silo somewhere, he's just not nearly as cool as Spy Daddy.
- Once again, I'm finding Sloane attractive. And this frightens me.
- Filler episodes can sometimes be fun.
- Pruitt Taylor Vince has an eye condition that makes him totally creepy.
- Killjoy did something selfless for once and then shot someone, so now she's known as "Lauren" in my book. Later, if she does something else cool, she may even become known as "Stormin' Lauren."
- Where in the fuck is Djimon Hounsou?
- Where in the fuck is Francinator?
- Where in the fuck is Spy Mommy?
- But, most importantly, where in the FUCK is Sark?
Previously on Alias: Syd and Vaughn almost made out, Syd went to Rome, Killjoy dropped a dime on her location, and Syd got nabbed by the NSC. But make sure you remember that part about the "almost making out," because that? Ruled.
For some weird reason, we jump right from the previouslys to the Alias opening music. It's so unexpected that I actually almost forget to dance. I just sort of stand there, rooted to the spot, gape-mouthed and wondering what to do next. Then the Spy Barbie theme kicks in and I come to my senses, completing a rather hurried rendition of the Spy Frug. During the commercial break, I check my meds for proper dosage and determine that J.J. Abrams is, indeed, just fucking with us.
The Desert. Yeah, the titles tells us WHERE (and I think it's a military prison) but I was so freaked by the out-of-order credit sequence that I accidentally stopped the tape to check and see if it was working and, when I turned it back on, I missed the title card. Shoot me. Anyway, we're in the desert, and before we know it, we're riding shotgun in a helicopter filled to the brim with military personnel. Between them sits a hooded figure. Two guesses who it is. By the way, the credits inform us that the two sweeps-related special guest stars tonight are Pruitt Taylor Vince and Richard Roundtree. Great. So we have the talented-but-not-entirely-uncreepy googly-eyed PTV -- and Shaft? What in the HELL are we in for in this episode?
The 'copter lands, and the military dudes roughly escort the hooded captor inside some building. Once inside, they pass through a series of sliding bar doors until they come to a particular set that somehow signals the military dudes to remove their captor's hood. Yeah, like, they couldn't remove it before. It's a PRISON, not Scarface's HOUSE. Who gives a shit if prisoners know what it looks like or where it is? THEY'RE IN PRISON. Anyway, the hood's removed, and of course, it's Syd, looking tired and panicked and slightly suffocated. Well, you'd be slightly suffocated too if you had to sport a big black hood on a 'copter in the middle of the damn desert.