Alias
Crossings

Episode Report Card
Erin: F | 1 USERS: C-
YOU GRADE IT
Sniff sniff. Do you smell ass?

I'd like to preface this recap by saying that I gave this episode such a low grade not because it sucked rocks, but because it was more boring than a swimming pool full of blancmange. I didn't like it, but I didn't hate it either; it was, for all intents and purposes, a broken piece of graham cracker with no jam, whipped cream, chocolate, or marshmallows anywhere in sight. Like, it's not that the cracker itself isn't relatively tasty on its own, but it's a damn sight better with some flavorful condiments, no?

For starters, we begin this episode in the middle. Syd and Vaughn are making out in some dank prison cell in the Q-Gong Province in North Korea, and then they're hauled down some hallway and placed in front of a firing squad. The guns go off, and we're transported back to seventy-two hours earlier. Yeah. I found this plot mechanism annoying the last THREE HUNDRED TIMES THEY USED IT. Three hundred and one times ain't the charm, people. In fact, the only time it's ever really worked for me was in the pilot episode, where it really heightened the element of surprise and put me smack-dab in the middle of a situation that I could neither understand nor escape. This? Ain't the pilot episode. Let's find another way to begin the show, shall we?

Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Now, in this scene, Dixon literally blathers his way through some expository dialogue that somehow involves an offshore phantom account, that somehow leads the CIA to believe that there's a Covenant official who wants to defect from...the Covenant. What, the Covenant's a fucking country now? And if you're looking for exact details on just what Dixon said, I'm afraid I can't help you out there. My office VCR decided to quit on me the second I sat down to write this recap, and I had to pull my bedroom VCR in here to watch the tape, and the two VCRs definitely don't see eye-to-eye, because the tape that looked just fine yesterday on the other VCR now has a horrid tracking line running through it at the bottom and the closed captioning is so confused by this interference that, for some reason, it only gave me a sentence or two of Dixon's speech. Or maybe Dixon's speech is so boring and meaningless and plot-device-errific that the closed captioning just threw up its hands and went, "Oh, fuck it. It's not like this dialogue means anything anyway. I'm gonna go pick up a six-pack and some Ding-Dongs. You want anything?"

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Alias

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