Alias
Crossings

Episode Report Card
Erin: F | 1 USERS: C-
YOU GRADE IT
Sniff sniff. Do you smell ass?

Just for kicks, as the missiles go after the plane, we check in with Loathsome Lauren, who's looking wistfully at a picture of her and Vaughn together. Yeah. Don't care. More plane. More missiles. Oh, please. THEY SURVIVE. God. The plane goes down. Gee. Wonder if they survive? OH WAIT. I ALREADY KNOW THEY DO. See, if you already know your lead characters have a hot kiss coming up, then it's not really suspenseful to see them get into an airborne skirmish, now is it? THEY LIVE. We already know that! Oh, and the whole "main characters almost die" scenario? Done. Over. Kaput. They're the goddamn STARS of the show! Unless one of them winds up pregnant or breaking their contract to star in Peter Jackson's adaptation of the His Dark Materials series filming over the next seven years in Antarctica, I'd be willing to bet THEY'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ANYTIME SOON. So, trying to make us think their lives are in jeopardy? Not really working for us, okay? NOT WORKING. ERGO, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.

North Korea. A bunch of North Korean soldiers hear a plane crash in the distance. No, I'm not joking. They run off to see if there are any survivors. I get on the PA system and shout: "M.A.S.H. 4077! Incoming! Incoming! And Klinger? Get your pantyhose off the shower rods. They're really annoying." Back at Oops Center, the troops are getting word that Syd and Vaughn's plane went down. Lauren enters and wants to know what's going on. Uh-oh! Maybe Syd and Vaughn DIDN'T SURVIVE. Gah. Jack and Lauren share a relatively fake moment wherein Jack tries to tell Lauren to be strong for Syd and Vaughn's sake. Oh, what-fucking-ever. I'm so over this episode already and it's only the first fifteen minutes.

Dix calls everyone into his office and tells them that the Joint Chiefs of Staff have told the CIA to stand down, and their official take on the situation is that Syd and Vaughn are disavowed. Jack storms off in search of a plot that has some connection, ANY CONNECTION, to last week's episode. Dix thinks the Joint Chiefs of Staff can go fuck themselves, and tells his troops as much, ordering them to pool their resources. "We don't rest until Sydney and Vaughn are back in our hands," Dix says, practically foaming at the mouth. We then join Jack, sitting in his car at Superdawg on Milwaukee Avenue as one of the carhops delivers a Whoopercheesie and a chocolate shake to his window. Yeah. I think my no-fries-no-shakes-no-bad-food-whatsoever policy is starting to look pretty damn sucky right about now. Mmmm. Fries.

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Alias

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