Episode Report Card
Erin: F | 1 USERS: C-
Sniff sniff. Do you smell ass?

Sorry. Actually, Jack's in his car in The Random Parking Garage of Ex-Wife Instant Messaging. He's contacting Irina. What do they talk about? Why, Sydney, of course, and how she's downed in North Korea and Jack needs one of Irina's contacts to get her out. Irina kindly offers to help Jack out with one of her contacts and says she'll be in touch. I think it's so nice of Irina to keep her laptop with her at all times, along with an integrated Ethernet card, so that every damn time Jack needs to contact her for a thirty-second scene to move the plot forward, she's right there, ready, willing, able, and parked at a Starbucks on the corner of Never Coming Back Avenue and Enough With This Stupid Plot Device Already Boulevard.

North Korea. Otherwise known as "Disney Backlot 481." Syd's trying to contact base ops. No answer. Syd and Vaughn discuss the situation, and Syd surmises that they're about forty minutes from the place where they're supposed to meet the defector. Syd then notices that Vaughn's arm is bleeding. Vaughn brushes it off as nothing and states that if they head to their meet on foot, they'll miss their window. Or something. I don't give a shit. And neither do the North Koreans. They're coming in, and I don't think they're bringing a welcome basket full of coupons and coffee cake. Syd and Vaughn scramble and do something with some gasoline and some flares, and then run off just as the soldiers approach the wreckage. Vaughn lights the flares and tosses them, sending the wreckage into an explosion and sending the soldiers flying. "M.A.S.H. 4077, we have wounded incoming! And Frank? Get your hands off Houlihan's ass already! You've had them there since oh-seven-hundred hours and you STILL haven't done anything more creative with them than the occasional slap!"

After watching Syd and Vaughn run away from the North Koreans for what seems to be four hours and forty-two minutes, we switch to Jack, who has either not moved at all since his last interaction with Irina or, like, it's the next day or something. I have no idea. I'm going with the idea that he's just been sitting there, waiting for her to get back to him. She does. And she tells him that someone will meet him at Syd's apartment that night at eight. Jack's phone rings, and he picks up. It's Sloane. He wants to help with the Syd situation. Jack tells him to go stick his thumb up his ass and watch reruns of Good Times on TV Land. Really. He says that. Check the tape if you don't believe me.

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