Previously on Alias: Syd got bitten by a psycho and all she got to show for it was a Goth club and some Marilyn Manson. That doesn't seem like a very fair equation to me, really.

In other news, this recap is brought to you by the letter "Shut Up" and approximately forty-seven cappuccinos.

Irkustk, Russia. Yes, it's a real place. I looked it up. And right away I knew I was going to be in trouble with this recap because Google came up with dozens of links, most of which seemed to be forums or sites dedicated to helping lonely men find beautiful women from the Irkustk region. Are men really that desperate to find a woman who doesn't speak English but has a great set of…teeth? I must say that one of the sites I clicked on (what? I was curious) had a bunch of lovely women that I imagine were actually Russian supermodels designed to lure in hapless guys named "Stuie" who just want to git them a wife and dammit she better be HOT and not know the Russian translation of "spousal abuse" and then Stuie writes away for his mail-order bride and she shows up and instead of looking like Nicole Kidman, she looks like a female Robin Williams, only with more hair, and she not only knows English, she knows the phrase "possession is nine-tenths of the law" and Stuie winds up broke and in prison and Grimelda or whatever the hell her name is writes a tell-all novel entitled You For To Love Me Strong American? and goes on Dr. Phil and becomes world famous and winds up marrying a computer hacker half her age and the real Robin Williams ends up playing her in a Lifetime movie of the week.

Um. Maybe I shouldn't have had that forty-seventh cappuccino. Also? If you liked the previous paragraph, than you'll love the rest of this recap, because, dudes? Nothing much at all happens in this one, there are holes and plot points you can drive a truck through, and to top it all off, this episode was supposed to air before the last couple of episodes (it's actually number four), so I spent half the damn thing going, "Wait. Weiss is flirting with Nadia? Syd hates Sloane but is still working with him? I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON." All I'm saying is, be prepared for a lot of caffeinated rambling because, seriously, can we kick this show into gear already? I am bored out of my cotton-pickin' mind here.

So. Yeah. Russia. We're in some bar somewhere. A hot Russian mail-order bride is mixing up a couple of Irkustk Ice Knockers, a drink that consists of vodka, with a topper of vodka and, to complete it, a layer of vodka. Speaking of vodka, is it too early on a Sunday morning to start drinking? Oh, hell, it's happy hour somewhere in the world. Vaughn's sitting at a table with some Russian dude who seems to be very nervous about their meeting. The Russian dude, Anatoly, tells Vaughn that Russia has been producing black thorine. The best part about this "black thorine"? It doesn't exist. At all. I looked it up and got about twelve listings -- all about Alias. Hee. For some reason, that just cracked me up.

It may be make-believe, but in Alias-land, black thorine is some seriously bad shit and Russia is NOT supposed to be manufacturing the stuff. Anatoly, who, as an officer in the Russian army, really shouldn't be talking to ANYONE about this stuff, tells Vaughn that the only reason he is talking is because one of the vials of black thorine was stolen. Then he gives Vaughn the routing number of his superior's bank account, saying that the boss recently came into a whole lot of money. Just then, a couple of Russian soldiers enter and demand that Anatoly come with them. Anatoly rather stupidly reaches for his gun and the soldiers shoot him dead. Vaughn just kind of looks down at him like, "Damn. They don't fuck around in Irkustk, do they?"

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