Alias
Endgame

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Ding Dong, Mrs. Dixon's Dead

Vaughn's all, right, or Spy Wife ISN'T working with Sloane and Syd ISN'T about to walk into a trap and Spy Wife ISN'T your non-dead non-ex-wife and Syd's IS about to save Slater's ASS. "This. Is. Not. A. Debate," snits Jack. "And just because you've gotten comfortable with my daughter, doesn't mean you should get comfortable with me. If you don't report your next contact with Sydney immediately, I will take action that you will regret." Hee! Well, now, that was just a fabulous barrelful of monkeys on hash, my friends. Truly.

Moscow. City Of Lenin, Ballet, And The Faded-But-Still-Glorious Sandunovskiye Baths Where Aging Russian Men Enjoy The Occasional Beer While Steaming Themselves Silly. Okay. I don't really know where this next scene is coming from or why it's even included in the damn show in the first place, but I get paid to recap stuff, even when it's incredibly dumb, so I'm just going to stick a hypo loaded with barbiturates into my left temporal lobe and shut the fuck up and type. Syd enters some bar, and she's dressed like a bastard version of a Mandrell sister. Seriously. She's head-to-toe urban cowgirl over here. Shiny black cowboy boots, spangly black boot-cut pants, sequined black cowboy shirt, and a black cowboy hat with shiny gold mirrors all over it. And her hair? Oh. Her hair. Sweeties? Her hair's so big, I think it actually entered the room about twenty minutes before her body did.

There's a mechanical bull in the center of the room, and some loudmouth Russian "cowboy" is heckling the guy who just got tossed from its leathery seat. Syd's got her mark. She moves in for the kill. Well, actually, she tips her hat down and pretty much Lone Ranger-s her way over to him. Syd tries to get the guy to talk to her, but her hideous Russian accent pisses him off and he demands that she ride the bull or they don't talk AT ALL. Syd turns and looks at the bull and, without an accent, goes, "Oh, god." Hee. And then...well, then Syd rides the bull. There is NO reason for this scene at all. I mean, other than to give all the boys out there in the audience some mental imagery for their daily wanking sessions.

After wasting our time on the bull, Syd walks back over to Reuben Cowboy and says, "Something like that?" He's all, yeah, that'll do, Elmira, that'll do. Then they do a couple of shots and Syd finally asks him for the tracking device she needs. He agrees to get it for her for fifty thousand American bucks and Syd agrees without missing a beat.

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Alias

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