Alias
Hourglass

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Sloane's Dead! Long Live Sloane!

Previously on Alias, The Passenger was a bio-weapon. And then it wasn't. And then it was a person. And then it was a girl. And then Jack found out about Sloane and Irina's affair, and Jack told Sloane to go fuck himself and The Trust and the horse he rode in on. And then Vaughn found the Wig of Wickedness, and Lauren's jig? She is up.

We begin this ass-kicker of an episode with Jack, sitting in his car, engaging in a little elicit instant messaging with his wife. I just love the idea of Lena Olin out in the middle of the desert or tundra or something, just commanding Rambaldi troops or greasing her guns or whatever it is that she does with her spare time, and all the while, she has this little PDA that she's furiously jabbing at with the stylus just so she can chat with her hubby. Heh. Jack types that he has intel on the Covenant endgame and that he needs her help. Irina asks him what he needs. He needs information about The Passenger. And here's where Irina breaks the PDA in half, buries it in a hole in the ground, and runs like hell. Jack, seeing no response, prompts Irina. Nothing. Until "CONNECTION ERROR." Some gobbledy-gook flies across the screen after announcing that the account has been terminated. Heh. Yeah. Bye, Irina.

Nepal. Home Of Yak. And Yak Wool. And Yak Butter. And…Yak. We're catching up with Grasshoppah. God, David Carradine looks like the bottom of an alligator suitcase. Well, you'd probably look like the bottom of an alligator suitcase too if you spent the majority of the seventies snorting coke while doing kung fu. As Grasshoppah's sitting at his candle-strewn vanity, mixing up a batch of wrinkle remover cream, a gun appears at his temple. He kind of grogs his eyes up calmly. Sark's at his side, and he's looking for The Passenger. Grasshoppah just says something that the closed captioning tells me is a "foreign language." Roughly translated, he probably says, "I'm old. I'm wrinkled. I'm actually kind of skuzzy. But I could still kick your ass, kid. Take my word for it."

Sark doesn't, however, and after giving some lip service to the followers of Rambaldi, he orders Grasshoppah to give up the goods on The Passenger in five seconds, or he's dead. Yeah. Because that's gonna work. Didn't he see Kill Bill? Whatever. Grasshoppah easily separates Sark from his gun and just as easily nabs the knife Sark tosses his way. Sark's expression is priceless. He's all, "But…but…YOU'RE OLD." Grasshoppah's expression is like, "Yeah, dude. But I'm POTENT." Grasshoppah just says, "I cannot help you, Mr. Sark." Sark says, "How do you know my name?" and then launches himself at Grasshoppah. Again, Grasshoppah easily handles Sark, even though Sark gives it his all. Sark's knocked to the ground, and before Grasshoppah can take the demolition any further, a dart appears out of nowhere and pops itself into his neck. Sark looks up and sees Mama Reed standing in the doorway with a gun in her hand. Grasshoppah drops like a ton of hash bricks. Mama Reed just orders Sark to pick up The Passenger manuscript and meet her in Rajasthan. Oh, and bring along the old stoner, too. Who knows? He might be useful if the manuscript is encrypted. She walks off, and Sark sort of huffs a glance her way, as if to say, "Okay. I'm young. I'm pretty. I kick ass. And still, this OLD GUY nails me, and my hooker-ish non-girlfriend's MOTHER has to act as my BACK-UP? The HELL?"

Rooftop Of Bitter Cuckolded Men And The Women Who Love Them. Jack and Syd walk out onto the rooftop, discussing the instant messaging incident with Irina. Syd surmises that her disappearance means that either she, Irina, is The Passenger or she's protecting the real Passenger. They both look totally awesome, by the way. Syd's all in black, with black shades, and Jack's wearing one of his trademark crisp suits with a white shirt. No, it doesn't really matter -- I just thought I'd mention it. They come around the corner to find Vaughn, sporting some really hot shades of his own and an expression of "my wife's a murderous traitorous bitch and I want to kill her" on his face.

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Alias

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