Alias
Alias

Episode Report Card
Erin: B- | 322 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Phantom of the Spy Opera

So, Syd and Bucky go to Arkhangelsk. They're pretending to be tourists as they walk up some forest hill. Yeah, because Arkhangelsk is really popular this time of year for the tourists. It's just screaming "leisure time." Anyway, guys with big guns (hee!) leap out of the bushes and force Syd and Bucky to accompany them up the hill. Yawn.

Back at Spy Central, Spy Daddy's getting the psych treatment from Ken Olin's wife, Patricia Wettig. Or, as we've come to refer to her in these recaps, "Dr. Nancy." She's psychobabbling some crap about his relationship with Sydney. He psychobluffs back some horse poo about "normal" families or something. Dr. Nancy tells him that their time is up, and then proceeds to nail him with the revelation that she doesn't believe a single word that's spilled from between his pursed lips. Spy Daddy tells her that she doesn't have a goddamn clue and to shove it up her poo chute.

(Anyone else notice that I've been focused on all things scatological in this recap? What is WITH that? Oh, right, my life's shit, so why not WRITE ABOUT IT. Oh, I'm kidding. Calm down. I'm not gonna off myself. You'll still get your damn recap.)

Back in Kasineau Kountry, Syd and Bucky are being escorted into the complex. Once inside, some big baddie grabs Syd's camera, demanding to know what she was taking pictures of. He moves to open the back of the camera in order to take the film, and Syd and Bucky flip down their sunglasses. As soon as Big Baddie opens the camera, there's a flash, and all the baddies are down for the count. Our Spy Lovers race around until they find the hidden elevator leading to the underground chamber.

Once inside the chamber, Bucky keeps the ONE COMPUTER OPERATOR at bay with his big gun (hee!) while Syd searches for something on the 'puter. I think she's supposed to be attempting to access the system that operates the cryogenic stuff, but she's wasting time looking for her mother's name. She looks up "Laura Bristow" and finds nothing; then she looks up "Laura Derevko," which is either Spy Mommy's alias or her actual name, and finds a whole list of pertinent things. Like zeros and ones and other digits that mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Seriously. It just looks like she finds some bloody binary code or something.

Bucky tells Syd to get the lead out, so she quickly disengages the core. Or something. She enters the chamber, does some shit with a temperature box or something, and nabs the core. At the same time, more of the Kasineau baddies show up in the upstairs office and discover their downed compatriots. One of them hits the alarm, which causes Bucky McBuckerton to turn away from the computer guy for a split second. That split second is all the computer guy needs to launch himself at the keyboard and swing the transport arm into Sydney's head. Bucky knocks him out with the butt of his gun just as Syd hits the floor.

Alias

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