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Phantom of the Spy Opera

Last time on Alias: Shack did a bang-up job of producing a recap of a recap. No, I'm not being lazy. It was a total recap show. Oh, and Sydney thinks her mother's alive and well and speaking Russian or something.

We open with a shot of Sydney climbing up the face of some mountain while an all-girl chorus trills some nonsensical Latin-type Goth music. Syd slips and almost falls. Right. Like she's going to die. Whatever. She makes it to the top as the sun sets over some mountains in the distance. She removes her Mission Impossible shades, pulls out her walkie-talkie, and makes a call to Agent Utley at the FBI. "Tell him it's about a fugitive he's been looking for," she says breathlessly. "The fugitive is me."

You know what? I'm willing to go with the whole "jet Syd to Italy so we can prove to the FBI that she's not Sydney the Destructor" thing but, uh, couldn't they have just chartered a 'copter and, I don't know, FLOWN OVER TO MOUNT SEBACIO? Like, why'd she have to climb up the face of a mountain to see it? Huh? Just so we could see how hot Little Jenny Garner looks in a skintight black tank top? And Mr. Abrams? I have one thing to say to you: STOP WATCHING MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2. It's not that great of a movie, dude. Step away from the DVD player and go read a book or something.

Back in Hell-Lay, Syd's in Spy Daddy's car, thanking him for helping her while a torrential rainstorm that belongs in upper Washington State pelts down around them. Spy Daddy deflects her thanks by informing her that the FBI has shifted their focus from Syd to where they should have been focusing all along: Spy Mommy. Syd thought that the FBI was convinced Spy Mommy was dead. Nope, says Spy Daddy. He broke into the CIA's classified archives and discovered that, after Spy Mommy's accident, the CIA put together some sort of commission to assess the damage she'd done to national security. The commission was comprised of people that Spy Daddy had worked with for years, but one name in particular stood out.


Spy Daddy hauled ass over to Uncle Arvin's office and questioned him about his involvement in the commission and why he never told Spy Daddy anything about Spy Mommy's death. By the way, I'm using past tense here because this is obviously just a flashback that Spy Daddy's illustrating to Sydney in the rain-drenched Caddy. Hee. "Spy Daddy's Caddy." Hee.

Anyway, Spy Daddy makes this brooding speech to Sloane about how Sloane would have talked to Spy Daddy about the circumstances of Spy Mommy's death if, indeed, she'd actually died. "[Spy Mommy] didn't die in that accident, did she?" finishes Spy Daddy. Sloane just looks at him like the cat that ate the canary that ate the radioactive birdseed that Marshall produced in order to create deadly international spy bird weapons.

Back in Spy Daddy's Caddy (hee!), Spy Daddy wraps up his flashback story by telling Syd that her mother isn't dead, but they don't know what happened to her or where she went and she could be in this country for all they know. Syd swallows this immense pile of plot-thickening horseshit and tells her daddy that she's gonna find her mommy. Spy Daddy goes apeshit and yells at Sydney that searching for that Russian bitch will accomplish nothing. Sydney tells her father to stuff his misdirected rage and anguish right up his butthole because she's a woman, hear her roar, and she'll do whatever she damn well pleases. Or she just pouts at him as the rain slips slowly down the window.

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