Alias
Masquerade

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Phantom of the Spy Opera

Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Sloane's debriefing the troops. I wish I could tell you exactly what he says, but this entire scene is so full of spy lingo and vacuous plot devices that I honestly can't be bothered to write about it. Suffice it to say, Kasineau's purchased a couple of computer thingies which may make it possible to figure out how many pieces are missing from the overall Rambaldi whatever. I'm serious, people. I could really give a shit about all this. It all comes down to Syd having to steal some "data core," which is kept in a sub-zero cryogenic chamber hidden away underground in Kasineau's Arkhangelsk complex. And even though Dixon's actually Syd's partner, Bucky steps in and claims that, because he knows the area around Kasineau's place pretty well, he'll deal with it or something. Again, don't care. Shut up, Bucky. Oh, and Sloane? Pass Bucky some Kleenex. That cakey white shit in the corners of his mouth is really starting to bug the hell outta me.

So, Syd and Bucky go to Arkhangelsk. They're pretending to be tourists as they walk up some forest hill. Yeah, because Arkhangelsk is really popular this time of year for the tourists. It's just screaming "leisure time." Anyway, guys with big guns (hee!) leap out of the bushes and force Syd and Bucky to accompany them up the hill. Yawn.

Back at Spy Central, Spy Daddy's getting the psych treatment from Ken Olin's wife, Patricia Wettig. Or, as we've come to refer to her in these recaps, "Dr. Nancy." She's psychobabbling some crap about his relationship with Sydney. He psychobluffs back some horse poo about "normal" families or something. Dr. Nancy tells him that their time is up, and then proceeds to nail him with the revelation that she doesn't believe a single word that's spilled from between his pursed lips. Spy Daddy tells her that she doesn't have a goddamn clue and to shove it up her poo chute.

(Anyone else notice that I've been focused on all things scatological in this recap? What is WITH that? Oh, right, my life's shit, so why not WRITE ABOUT IT. Oh, I'm kidding. Calm down. I'm not gonna off myself. You'll still get your damn recap.)

Back in Kasineau Kountry, Syd and Bucky are being escorted into the complex. Once inside, some big baddie grabs Syd's camera, demanding to know what she was taking pictures of. He moves to open the back of the camera in order to take the film, and Syd and Bucky flip down their sunglasses. As soon as Big Baddie opens the camera, there's a flash, and all the baddies are down for the count. Our Spy Lovers race around until they find the hidden elevator leading to the underground chamber.

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Alias

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