Alias
Masquerade

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Phantom of the Spy Opera

"I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving Sydney alone right now," sneers Spy Daddy. "If she were your daughter, I'm sure you'd understand." "You should know by now," says Sloane calmly, "that my interest is in protecting Sydney. It's always been my pleasure to fill in for you when you were indisposed." Man, that's cold. That is positively sub-zero, dude. If Sloane isn't Sydney's natural father, then I don't know what. Like, there is so much shit going on between Spy Daddy and Sloane in this scene that you'd need a dumptruck and eight construction workers to shovel it out.

Back in Vienna, Syd and Dix are still dancin' the night away. Dix asks if Syd's ready. She is. Then she reaches up to her earring and touches it, and we're transported back to Marshall's hive-free office, where he's explaining that once Sydney "activates" her beautiful diamond earring, it'll emit an infrared pulse that's invisible to the naked eye. The agent that Sydney's meeting for the brush-past will be sporting infrared-capable contacts that will enable him to locate her via the earring. Yes, it's stupid. And yes, it's also kinda cool. And yes, Marshall's still a blithering doofus.

On the dance floor, Syd's activated the earring. Some guy in a tux and a big mask swaggers into the ballroom. And I do mean "swaggers." He should be wearing a six-gun rig and a twenty-gallon hat, people. He spots the infrared flash from Sydney's earring and be-bops over, cutting in on Syd and Dix. And the masks everyone's wearing? Creeptastic. Oh, and Mr. Abrams? STOP WATCHING EYES WIDE SHUT, okay? Yeah, I know it's Kubrick's last film and all, but dude? It's not that great. If you insist on having an infatuation with Tom Cruise and all his cinematic ventures, I think it's time to consider therapy. Three times a week. At least.

So Syd and the Masked Dude start hoofin' it. Masked Dude tells Syd that Wexler's dead and it's only a matter of time before his own cover's blown. Syd wants to know who the hell he is. He's Wexler's partner. Syd places her ring against his neck and tells him that it's a jet injector for a neurotoxin, and he'd better tell her just what in the HELL is going on here or he's gonna bite the big one. Masked Dude chatters off some pertinent SD-6 factoids, including how Sloane's a "humorless son-of-a-bitch." That's enough for Syd. She follows him off the dance floor and voices to Dix that the deal's off and she's going for the microchip.

Syd and Masked Dude scamper down a hallway while Syd asks if he was recruited out of college and, if so, which one was it? When Masked Dude responds "Berkeley," Syd whips off her mask and stares at him. Masked Dude whips off his mask, revealing the craggy-toothed visage of Peter Berg. They both go, "Oh my God!" But their reunion is short-lived, because some Russian baddies are knockin' at the door. Syd thinks fast (and stupid) and grabs Craggy for some convenient lip-lockage. The baddies enter and tell them that this is a restricted area. Syd and Craggy respond by kicking their asses. When the baddies are disposed of, Craggy turns to Syd and casually says, "How ya been?"

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Alias

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