Episode Report Card
admin: B- | 12 USERS: A+
Boobs McPhee: Wonder Whiner

Previously on Alias: The competition for the Worst Spy Ever began.

Tonight on Alias, I hate to say it, but my least-favorite device, the 72 Hours Earlier gambit, rears its ugly head again. Fortunately, the rest of the episode doesn't suck nearly as bad as the previous one. But, really, it'd have to be made from moose dung and covered in a layer of open sores to be worse than that piece of crap. What? I'm cranky.

We begin on the Monte Carlo set of Disney Backlot #2298. Syd drives up to the front door of a casino in a Jag, and Getty, acting as a valet and sporting a ridiculously funny moustache, gets her door. Syd Bristow-swaggers (actually, it's more like Bristow-waddles now; girlfriend is BURSTING) inside and looks around with her best "I'm a bad-ass spy, beeyotch!" expression plastered onto her face. She heads right over to a craps table and throws down a stack of cash and starts working the table, but good.

After giving the parking garage attendant this loopy wink-and-finger-as-a-gun action, Getty heads into the underground. Back at the table, Syd's rubbing the dice all over her boobs and generally acting like a less-subtle version of Peg Bundy. Heh. She's totally into it too. She's also winning. She rubs the dice all over her big fat baby belly for luck, and Garner's face is killing me. She's all pouty and attitudinal and thisclose to white trash and DAMN her boobs are nearly as distracting as Boobs McPhee's. Meanwhile, Getty breaks into some room and then into a circuit box or something. Dixon, acting as a casino patron, chastises Syd for being pregnant and in a casino. Syd's all, shut it, Frenchie. There's really not much need to recap this whole scene. Syd's winning, Dixon thinks she should be barefoot and cooking some man dinner, and Getty's running around breaking into shit.

The pit boss checks Syd's dice and, sure enough, they're leaded or something, so she gets pulled into the back room. Syd acts all shocked and stuff, but the boss just pulls the real set of dice out of her cleavage. Heh. Syd readies her gun and when the boss, just like Dix, chastises her for being pregnant and in a casino, Syd's all, what can I say? I'm not like other moms. Also? Y'all have some pretty archaic ideas of what pregnant moms can or can't do. P.S. Gambling involves standing or sitting around and blowing lots of money and probably isn't going to tax the fetus all that much, really. I mean, it's not like she's putting her baby in danger by sitting in her car while it's dangling in mid-air while attached to a giant magnet. Oh. Never mind. Aaaaanyway, Syd quickly tranq darts all the guys guarding her. Heh. Oh, and blow your nose, Garner. She totally has a cold in this scene. Her line comes out "I dot like udder bombs." Heh. Udder Bombs is totally the name of my new band.

Syd scoots off to the vault, which I'm imagining is her real reason for being here, and she tells "Sidewinder" that she's approaching the vault, so how are they doing on time? "Sidewinder" is Getty's call sign and he answers that he's going to need a bit more time. Oh, sure. Syd's got all the time in the world, homes. She's just sticking a precision suction glasscutter onto the vault and, you know, BREAKING INTO IT. Syd easily gets into the vault and says she needs the key code. Getty gets it to her just in time; she grabs "the package" and leaves. Getty then brings her car around and Syd drives off. She checks in with Jack and he asks how it went. "Well, I think I lost about nine hundred thousand of our money, depending on the exchange rate." Heh. What does Jack say? "Copy that." HEE. His daughter just lost a bunch of coin and his only response is "copy that." Tee hee hee. ["Our tax dollars at work, ladies and germs." -- Sars] Syd drives her car toward a ferry port and a guard stops her. A big-ass truck pulls up behind her and at that same moment, a super-magnet drops from the sky and attaches itself to Syd's car, pulling her up into the air. Her cell phone rings. It's Gordo. He wants his "property" back. He wants Mockingbird. Syd plays dumb, but she totally knows what Mockingbird is. Gordo wants it delivered to him within the hour or he's going to drop her. And that's when it happens: the words "72 HOURS EARLIER" flash onto the screen.

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