Alias
Page 47

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When Good Sketches Go Bad

"What're you suggesting?" Spy Daddy asks. "You know what I'm suggesting," says Uncle Arvin. Oh, Spy Daddy knows, all right; Uncle Arvin wants to cancel Lois Lame's check. Spy Daddy thinks this is premature because he's a friend of Sydney's, and as far as they know, he doesn't know a damn thing. You can say that again. Uncle Arvin's all, um, I told you about the whole Lois Lame thing as a courtesy, okay? I don't have to share dick with you. If I want Lois Lame removed from this planet, all I have to do is snap my fucking fingers, okay? Got it? Now shut up and go get me some Sanka.

Blah blah blah, Spy Daddy still thinks Lois Lame is clueless. Bling bling blooey, Uncle Arvin doesn't give a damn. "What concerns me is that this doesn't seem to concern you," Uncle Arvin says. "There's a difference between 'concern' and 'assassination,'" says Spy Daddy. Spy Daddy wants to get audio of Kenny and Willie's conversations in order to find out just what in the hell they were talking about before they send Lois Lame to the chopping block. Uncle Arvin agrees. "Jack," says Uncle Arvin in a calm-but-threatening tone, "we should take care of this immediately. There are some truths that Sydney must never learn." What, like the fact that you're really her father and Ana Banana is really her mother or something? Like learning that your mother was a fucking KGB agent isn't BAD enough? Unless Lois Lame's visits to Ken Olin are going to reveal that Spy Daddy's actually Sydney's mother and Dixon is her father, I really don't think there's too many "truths" out there that ol' Spy Barbie can't handle.

Over at The Womb Of Iniquity, Billy Corgan's warbling "Landslide" as Francie broods over her now meaningless stack of engagement gifts. Syd enters and asks how she's doing. Francie says she's fine, but then blah blahs about how she picked up thank-you notes so she could thank people for the engagement gifts that she really shouldn't be keeping because, you know, she's no longer ENGAGED. Okay, you know what? This is just stupid. You don't GET engagement gifts. You get SHOWER gifts, and then you get WEDDING gifts. I mean, personally, I absolutely detest all the damn gift-giving that goes on around weddings, so I don't know a hell of a lot about the protocol and crap, but I'm pretty damn sure it's not a requirement to send ENGAGEMENT gifts. Whatever. This scene's all weepy and stupid and I'm on my eighteenth Diet Coke and I just don't give a damn. Long and short of it? Francie's all sad, and Sydney comforts her. Francie tells Syd that she can't even take her engagement ring off. Syd, in a sort of "Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves" move, starts to remove her own dead-fiancé engagement ring. Francie follows suit, and they both morosely place their Love Is Truly Dead reminders on the coffee table. They stare at them sadly as Señor Smashing Pumpkins continues to wail.

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Alias

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