Alias
Passage, Part I

Episode Report Card
Erin: C+ | 1 USERS: A-
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If Music Be The Food Of Love

It's Table Boy. He greets Jack warmly, and Jack in turn introduces him as Saheed to both Sydney and Irina. Irina steps forward and says something about how Saheed's last name is "Akhtar," but his accent has a trace of Hindi. Saheed tells her that his mother is from Jammu. "Your parents were brave to marry," she says quietly, "knowing the prejudice they'd face." Saheed's face glows with admiration, even though he knows just how dangerous Irina really is. Jack's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's scary but impressive -- let's move on, shall we?

They move over to a jeep, and Saheed says, "I have everything you need to infiltrate the prison camp undetected. MBGs, Kevlar BDUs, encryption sat-comms, three pounds of C-4 charges, and a cryo-3 radiation detector to help you locate the nukes." Syd asks how far away the PRF stronghold is, and Saheed informs her that it's about nine hours away. Saheed starts to hand Irina a gun, but Jack barks, "Not for her." Saheed pulls back, and Irina gets into the jeep and sits, get this, RIGHT NEXT TO THE UNLOCKED TRUNK OF WEAPONS. Yeah, because Jack won't let her have one because she's SOOOO dangerous, but no one even BLINKS when she sits down right next to enough guns and ammo to take down a small mercenary-stocked island? That makes a bunch of sense. Really. It does. Excuse me while I shove a Q-Tip into my ear until I touch my brain and then wiggle it around a little bit just to shake things up in there. Ya know, for variety.

The Inner Sanctum Of Insanity. Technical Sergeant Take A Chance On Me is hanging out at his desk, contemplating the future of the Star Wars franchise at the hands of that whack job George Lucas. One of the many Clueless SD-6 Agents enters with a parcel and informs Detective De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da that this package arrived for him and it's been scanned for biological contaminates and it's clean. He hands the package to Sloane and exits.

Sloane unwraps it and opens the box that's inside. Inside the box, there's another little box with a clasp. Sloane quickly opens that, only to reveal that what's inside is a finger. And not just any finger, but Auntie Em's finger. We know this because of the silvery wedding band wrapped around the bottom of it. Sloane doesn't really look all that surprised, even though he does toss the box far from him as soon as he opens it. He sits back in his chair as The Horns Of Amputated Digits bleat in the background.

Back in Kashmir, the Spy Family and Saheed are speeding along at a nice clip when they come upon a tree that's fallen across their path. "Back up!" Jack barks at Saheed. Saheed's all, whuh? "BACK UP NOW!" Jack barks again. Saheed starts to back up, but it's too late. A bunch of guys with guns materialize around the jeep. The Spy Family raises their hands in the air, and everyone's pulled from the jeep and shoved to their knees. Saheed says something about them all being international aid workers. One of the Gun Guys shoots him dead and then spits on his corpse. Gun Guy walks over to the Spy Family and says something about how he's disgusted that one of his own countrymen would assist the CIA. Not as disgusted as I am that one of Saheed's own countrymen would shoot his ass dead in thirty seconds or less, dude. Gun Guy asks if Jack speaks for his entire unit. When Jack answers in the affirmative, Gun Guy calmly announces that he and his other Gun Buds are the People's Revolutionary Front. Syd and Jack exchange glances. Gun Guy's all, what? You got a question or something? Jack's all, yeah, actually. We'd kinda like the warheads you've acquired. Gun Guy's all, yeah, you and half the damn planet, dude. Get in line. He turns and says something to his Gun Buds, and they start pilfering the weapons cache in the back of the jeep.

Now it's Irina's turn to exchange glances with Sydney. Syd then glances at her father, who returns her glance. There are glances being tossed all over the place. Irina looks down at her necklace. Jack sees her look, and even though he dreads the idea of her being basically free, he knows it's their only way out. Just as one of the Gun Buds holds up a couple cans of gasoline, Jack nods quickly to Irina. Gun Guy turns and thanks the Spy Family for the supplies. He then turns to his Gun Buds and says something in a foreign language. We can probably assume that it's "kill the capitalist pigs." Jack quickly reaches around to his wrist and presses a button. Irina snaps her necklace. Syd sees this, drops to the ground, and kicks the Gun Bud behind her. Jack follows suit with his Gun Bud. Bullets start flying as Irina flings the necklace over to the jeep. Jack hits another button on his watch and the necklace explodes, creating an even bigger explosion with the jeep. Then we get a truly hilarious slo-mo shot of Victor Garber throwing himself to the ground with his eyes half-closed. I don't know why it's funny. It just is.

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Alias

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