Oops Center, 7:00 AM, Day Of A New Beginning.

[The elevator doors open. An extremely attractive woman dressed all in black enters and approaches the reception desk, which, of course, is hidden behind a smokescreen of innuendo and plot devices.]
RECEPTIONIST: Uh. Hello? Can I help you?
WOMAN: Yes. And you can blow the smokescreen, sweetie. Contrivance Jones sees all.
RECEPTIONIST: [sucks smokescreen into conveniently placed vacuum cleaner] Excuse me?
WOMAN: Agent Contrivance Jones, reporting for duty.
RECEPTIONIST: Agent Contrivance Jones? I'm sorry, I don't have you on our roster --
JONES: Of course you don't. I'm Contrivance Jones, right? I just show up unannounced. Got it?
RECEPTIONIST: Well, not really.
JONES: Look, wingnut. I don't really have time to explain, okay? I have parachutes to conveniently place in closets, previously unknown access to the entire Alliance network to make magically appear, bizarre sexual attraction to create between heretofore non-sexually-attracted characters, and an SD-6 takeover plan that will lead to a climactic kiss. Now, I have about twenty rabid Hollywood extras that have been ordered to portray a bunch of clueless newbie agents in order to give the writers a platform to explain the entire plot of this goddamn show to a bunch of beer-soaked football fans without wreaking havoc so, like, can we move it along here?
RECEPTIONIST: Um. Yeah. [gets on the phone] Yeah, uh, could you send Kendall out here? There's some crazy bitch at the counter claiming she's... [looks at Jones]
JONES: Agent Contrivance Jones. Write. It. Down.
RECEPTIONIST: [on phone] Agent Contrivance Jones. And, uh, tell him to hurry. She's scaring me. Right. [hangs up phone] Yeah, so, Kendall's coming.
JONES: Good. Now, do you have a computer around here where I can create an imaginary email message containing the secret double-agent identities of Syd and Jack? I'm running late and I need to get to work.

Previously on Alias: A season and a half happened. And none of it matters, because this episode aired after the Stupor Bowl and was really all about keeping the dudes around for tits and giggles while not entirely alienating the core audience, who probably would have stormed the Abrams castle with a giant and an almost-dead Wesley if J.J. hadn't delivered a kiss worth dying for.

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