Ten Things I Learned While Watching Alias:

1. This episode ruled.
2. Sam Rockwell has a really cute butt.
3. Spy Daddy is one nasty son of a bitch. Especially when it comes to defending his wittle girl.
4. Arvin Sloane is really creepy and nasty and it kind of bothers me that I find him relatively attractive. Especially when he's wearing turtleneck sweaters.
5. Once again, Marshall is annoying. Even without a drum kit.
6. I still don't like Killjoy, but now that she's being kind of a bitch, I'm at least finding her more, shall we say, entertaining?
7. Francinator is not only super-human, but she's also really adept at disappearing. Because, dude? Just last week she was on the lam, and now this week? NO MENTION WHATSOEVER. Maybe she's in the same witness protection program as Willage.
8. Syd and Vaughn almost kissing at the airport was a trillion times hotter than any single moment between the Elephants. Including the scene when they were in their underwear.
9. Where in the fuck is Djimon Hounsou?
10. I'm going to see Duran Duran at the House of Blues and you're not. So neener neener.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you to the first truly kick-ass episode of the season. To start it off right, I've got a frosty trough of champagne cocktails at hand and my sparkly new boyfriend, Sam. As in Rockwell. Say hi to the folks, Sammy! "What's shakin', sugah?" says Sam, pausing to slide to the floor in a rockin' split right in the middle of my office. Oh, Sammy. Sammy Rock. You are…so very fine. "Yes. Yes, I know. Now gimme a hit off that trough and let's get this recap on the road, sweetness!" Mmmm…yes. Let's.

We open up on some very bizarre Flash animation involving colored lights, church bells, and a crazy angel statue. The animation disappears and we're in some kind of hospital room; Sydney's on a gurney, coming to. She sits up groggily and looks around in confusion. She gets up off the gurney and goes to the door, trying to exit. She can't. She bangs on the door a couple times, then gives up. As she walks away, she suddenly cringes and her hand goes to her side. There's blood there. Syd pulls up her gown, and we get a nice flash of clean white panties before…AAAAUUUGGGHHH!

You know Syd's scar? Yeah. It's not there anymore. In its place is a big, dark gaping HOLE. Ew! And EW! We get a close-up of Syd's fingers digging INTO THE HOLE. EW! She keeps digging and digging and finally comes up with a piece of tubing that, once she pulls it out, keeps coming and coming and WILL IT NEVER END? Syd starts sobbing as the tubing keeps coming out until, finally, about nine hundred feet of it slaps down onto the floor, along with about three pints of Syd's blood. Syd just leans against some x-rays, covered in blood, more blood pooling around the tubing at her feet. Okay. That shit is just sick and wrong and not of the Lord. But…kind of cool, in a gory Cronenbergian sort of way.

And then Syd wakes up. She's sobbing uncontrollably. She grabs at the small scar at her side, which is thankfully just a scar and not a gaping gore-filled hole, and then falls back into bed, scared, alone, and confused. The next day, she heads to the Stafford Naval Hospital and walks up to some grandfatherly-looking dude. Looks like he's the head of the Lost Years group that Syd attends, because she apologizes for not being to group in awhile. He's all, that's okay, honey. There's another session tonight. She's all, yeah, well, I'm actually here to talk to you about something else. He's all, is this about your dreams? She just nods and says she's heard about some experimental procedure that's used to recover lost memories. It's called neurostimulation therapy, and she's all for it. Doc Grandfather's all, honey? Let's give group therapy a chance before we go diving for the neurostim shit, okay?

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