Dear JJ Abrams: Bite me. Sincerely, Did I Mention The Bite Me?
Dear Michael Vartan: Now that you're free to go anywhere and do anything, call me! You'd love Charleston in the winter. I promise. I'm in the book. Byeeeee! Yours in a heartbeat, Erin.
Dear Alias Viewers: I just want you to know that I would most likely still watch this show even if I weren't getting paid to, but I cannot promise you that I wouldn't be doing my taxes during it or, you know, waxing my dog or something. And I might have the Zeppelin box set blaring at top volume on my headphones. As the DVD extras from LOTR: Return of the King play on my flat-panel desktop screen. BUT I WOULD STILL BE WATCHING ALIAS. Maybe. If I were really, really drunk. And possibly in a coma. With one eye propped open with double-sided sticky tape. Sincerely, Your Irritated Recapper.
Previously on Alias: Lena Olin dropped by long enough to make us all, whether we're straight or gay, male or female, want to make out with her; Clifford the Big Red Ball harmlessly dropped down on a fictional Russian city; Nadia got big red eyeballs and became evil and then her daddy shot her; Vaughn proposed to Sydney and they ran off to Santa Barbara, only to have Vaughn inform his beloved that his name wasn't actually Vaughn, so she might want to wait on sending out those wedding invitations. Then, WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM, a car came out of nowhere and sideswiped them, leaving us all to scratch our heads and go, "Uh, the fuck?" for most of the summer. Except for that part of the summer where everyone freaked out that Michael Vartan was leaving the show. During that part, we all just drank heavily and thought of bunnies.
We pick up precisely where we left off, with Vaughn spilling the name situation. It should be noted that this scene looks quite a bit different than the scene they shot at the end of last season. Namely because Garner's usually chiseled jaw has been softened by some lovely little baby hormones. Oh, and her boobs are ginormous. Also, the scenery running alongside the car is different too. I burned my TiVo in effigy at the end of last season, though, so I don't have the final episode to compare this against. It just looks…wrong. Thankfully, I am distracted by the beauty of Michael Vartan. God, he's pretty. I am going to miss the pretty. Pretty, pretty, pretty. So, SLAM! And we're suddenly in Season Five. The car is wrecked off the road, right next to a…cornfield? I haven't lived in California since I was ten, but I'm fairly certain that the road to Santa Barbara doesn't fly by any farms. In fact, according to my atlas, Highway 101 runs right along the coast. Oh, this doesn't bode well for the rest of the season; the opening scene takes place next to a cornfield because…Syd needs to get away and a cornfield is the best solution? I think it would do all of us a favor if I started drinking now and just didn't stop until May.
When the smoke clears, Vaughn has a few cuts on his head and Syd is entirely unharmed except for a little cut above her right eyebrow. Because THAT makes about as much sense as the damn cornfield. Syd wakes up, slowly looks at her boyfriend, says, "Vaughn?" and then passes out. Seconds later, she's awakened by beeps and voices and it would appear that EMTs have shown up to the Cornfield of Convenience in order to take care of them. Vaughn's out of the car already on a gurney and Syd's calling after him. An EMT tells her they're going to take care of her. Well, if by "take care of" you mean "pull out the biggest damn syringe I've ever seen and attempt to fill it with liquid the color of lemon-lime Gatorade." Syd sees the EMT filling the syringe because he actually TURNS toward her in order to fill it, because he's not only a bad guy, he's a DUMB BAD GUY. Proving my point, the EMT says, again, RIGHT IN FRONT OF SYD, "The girl's alive. We'll take care of her." Lord. This is about as bad as the opener of Season Three when Syd's all bunged up in the hospital bed and Dix and Weiss decide they need to discuss super-secret information and can't do it in front of her and then they go outside the room, stop in front of a window, turn TOWARD Syd and then GO AHEAD AND DISCUSS THE INFO. All I'm saying is, if I were a bad guy about to stick a super-spy like Syd in the arm with some knockout drugs, I'd make damn sure I didn't telegraph that info to her right before I was going to do it.