Alias
Q & A

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Déjà Vu To A Kill

Hey there, everybody. I'm filling in for Regina this episode, because she's in Paris -- visiting the Louvre, walking along the Seine, eating baguettes and really smelly cheese, having a torrid affair with a French sailor, and doing all those things Quasimodo wanted to do if he could just get out of the bell tower. If I werrre in her skiiiiin, I'd cheerrriiiish eeeveryyyyy instant! Sorry, got a little carried away there.

Speaking of Disney adaptations, I caught the last half hour of their latest efforts just prior to Alias. I believe it was called Snow White on LSD. Really -- there were rainbow-colored dwarves named after days of the week, and bears trapped in snow globes, and Lana Lang, and a zombie Jesus, and animated lawn gnomes, and an apple-eating scene that looked like an attempt at lesbian seduction, and bears freed from snow globes licking their way through ice to get to Lana Lang. There wasn't a single second that made any sense at all. It was wonderful.

But anyway, on with the main event. Previously on Alias: Spy Barbie was taken into custody by the Department of Stupid Retards because she matched a prophecy, written five hundred years ago, that claims she will "render the greatest power unto utter desolation." Sounds like the Bush administration is trying to blame Sydney for the recession.

And now we're watching Starsky & Hutch. Sydney, wearing an awful wig that makes her look like Nina on 24 after having hot monkey sex with Kiefer, is high-tailing it in a sedan, trailed by four or five cop cars. They trap her on a pier. She sits there in her car, wearing ugly, red-tinted novelty shades, and stares off in the distance. She pulls off her glasses and stares some more. Then she stares. Some more staring. Then she slams on the gas and drives the car off the end of the pier, into the water. For some bizarre reason, you can hear a girl (not Sydney) screaming as the car goes over the edge, though there don't appear to be any witnesses other than the cops around. The car splashes into the water in slow motion and sinks.

Then we fade into a scene change of some fluorescent lights. Why do directors think we like looking at lights? We cut to Sydney, without any wig to speak of, staring. Some more. She's handcuffed to a chair in a conference room. A man in a suit comes in to offer her a vanilla milkshake. What a bizarre choice of refreshment. It's like he's treating her like a twelve-year-old who witnessed a murder, and he's trying to get her to talk. As he leaves, Sydney begs him to remind the others that she's being cooperative and she doesn't need restraints. He leaves, and she leans over to suck on the milkshake through a straw.

Cut to the CIA offices, where Vaughn is trying to beg some information off of Agent Weasel. Vaughn thinks Weasel must know something about what's happening to Sydney because he's the department liaison to the FBI. Weasel claims that he's not in the thick of things, because the last thing anybody would do would be to keep the liaison between the two agencies up to date on a problem that affects both agencies or anything. Agent Apologetic admits that the two of them don't have the best relationship, but promises to change and begs for the two of them to start over. Weasel shoots Vaughn a sarcastic hello and repeats that he doesn't know anything about Sydney before clomping off snippily. Agent Sean (or Weiss, or whatever his name is. To me, he's Agent Sean) is in the background, looking through some file. After Weasel leaves, Sean tells Vaughn that a friend has seen Weasel eating at the Webster Rotunda, and that the smarmy little prick has the table manners of a child. What a surprise. Vaughn asks Sean if he thinks the prophecy is for real. Sean doesn't believe it. He thinks it's ridiculous that Sydney could take down the world. Really, she can't even complete a mission without screwing something up. Unless she ends up destroying the world by accident while trying to steal some weapon plans from Iraq or something. Vaughn recaps that Sydney has the biological signs Rambaldi pointed to. He further exposits that an FBI tribunal is flying into D.C. to question Sydney.

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Alias

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