Alias

Ep.	Title	Air/Pub'l	Grade	Author
5-17 Recap	This is the end. My foolish friends, the end. All The Time In The World (2) - Sloane shoots Jack,and Sydney shoots Sloane, but he's already discovered eternal life, so that doesn't really have much effect on him. Irina's behind the whole kit and caboodle,and this entire series wraps up with us thinking that five years and trillions of Rambaldi references have lead to nothing more than immortality and a bitchy power-hungry mother. It all ends reasonably well with Jack sacrificing himself to remove Sloane from humanity and the new Spy Family retiring to a little cottage on the beach. And everyone lives happily ever after.	2006.05.22 2006.05.28	B	Erin
5-16 Recap	One down, one to go Reprisal (1) - In Part One of this series finale two-parter, we follow Sloane's actions as he kidnaps Marshall and Rachel, travels to an ice chamber below Mount Subasio, and discovers just what Rambaldi meant by "sky" in his prophecy. In case you were wondering, it has nothing to do with that stuff up above your head with fluffy clouds rolling around in it. Oh, and Sydney falls down a crevasse and is dead. Yeah, because you haven't SEEN the next episode.	2006.05.22 2006.05.27	B	Erin
5-15 Recap	A rose by any other name, would look like a creepy old guy. No Hard Feelings - Syd pretends to be Anna pretending to be Syd and heads off for some prison that used to be a monastery in an effort to retrieve something called The Rose. All she winds up doing is getting an amulet that Sloane quickly steals. It's all leading to Rambaldi's Greatest Mystery™ that may or may not lead to the end of the world.	2006.05.17 2006.05.21	B	Erin
5-14 Recap	A chip off the old Élodie I See Dead People - A microchip with Vaughn's name etched onto it is discovered in dead Élodie's body, forcing Syd and Jack to contact Vaughn in the distant reaches of Nepalbhutansomeplacewithyaks. SydAnna gets there first, however, and digs a matching chip out of Vaughn's naked chest, leading them to a bunker in Germany. It all ends with SydAnna's death and the reappearance of Hot!Sark! So...all's well that ends well?	2006.05.10 2006.05.15	A	Erin
5-13 Recap	Daddies with glass tables shouldn't throw daughters. 30 Seconds - Sloane resurrects Nadia with a Rambaldi cure, only to accidentally kill her a day or so later when she comes between him and his precious Rambaldi. Élodie's dead too, courtesy of SydAnna, who is one cold-hearted bitch of a killer. Rambaldi's endgame seems to be moving closer, as Sloane joins forces with Prophet Five and finally embraces his inner evil.	2006.05.03 2006.05.07	A	Erin
5-12 Recap	Two Sydneys for the price of one. There's Only One Sydney Bristow - In the bargain basement deal of the century, Peyton recruits Anna into Prophet Five--and gets another Sydney in the process! Thaaaat's right: Anna gets cloned into Sydney. And Will? Well, Will shows up just long enough to make us remember how much we miss him.	2006.04.26 2006.05.01	A-	Erin
5-11 Recap	Happy Mother's Day, bitch. Maternal Instinct - Irina shows up, tells Syd that she never wanted to be a mother in the first place and...kind of hates being one, delivers Syd's baby, and then skedaddles out of town with The Horizon firmly in her possession. No Mother's Day card for her! She also says that she gave the order to have Vaughn shot, but since he's alive and well and living in Bhutan, it doesn't really matter.	2006.04.19 2006.04.24	B	Erin
5-10 Recap	"So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me, S.O.S.!" S.O.S. - Sing it, Abba! Sing louder -- Syd can't hear you because she's trapped on a boat in the middle of the ocean, and there's something wrong with the Spy Fetus. Hey, maybe if you sing "Dancing Queen," we won't notice the boring B-story with Getty and some guy he's looking for called "The Cardinal." But sing the extended disco version, because the less we hear of "The Cardinal" the better.	2006.04.19 2006.04.23	B+	Erin
5-9 Recap	Electric (Stick of Honesty) Dreams The Horizon - Syd's kidnapped and drugged and zapped periodically with an electric shock stick, all so that she'll remember some name that is the location of something called "The Horizon." What this is, we don't find out. But we do discover that Prophet Five has possibly nefarious plans for the Spy Fetus, and that Syd is in the middle of an ocean with no land anywhere in sight. Oh, and Irina Derevko's behind it all. That's important, right?	2005.12.14 2005.12.18	A	Erin
5-8 Recap	Rachel went to São Paulo and all we got was this lousy episode. Bob - Oh, okay, so it wasn't actually lousy. But it wasn't all that noteworthy either. Rachel goes on assignment in São Paulo and winds up doing the deed with none other than Julian Sark. It's kind of hot. Jack goes to intercept the sale of a micropulse bomb and gets kidnapped. That's not hot at all.	2005.12.07 2005.12.12	B-	Erin
5-7 Recap	Sloane apparently likes the triple cross. Fait Accompli - Sloane goes to Jack and exposes his agreement with Gordo and declares that he's going to help the Apple Store catch him. During the capture, however, it's discovered that the organization Gordo is working for is actually made up of twelve government agencies. Sloane gets roped back into working for the same organization he's just extricated himself from, only to save his daughter. Oh, and Jack and Syd build a crib. Hilarity ensues.	2005.11.17 2005.11.21	B	Erin
5-6 Recap	Dude Looks Like A Lady -- A Ho-Type Lady Solo - Rachel has to go on her first solo mission and of course this involves her dressing up as a hooker because there are only two types of women spies: the ass-kickers and the hos. Syd spends most of the episode sadly touching her belly, and this moderately entertaining filler ep draws to a close without any follow-up on Daddy-in-the-Box.	2005.11.10 2005.11.15	B	Erin
5-5 Recap	Who's yer daddy? ...No, really. Who's your daddy? Out Of The Box - Élodie has her daddy in a box, and she's trying to bring him back to life. Too bad that he's not really her daddy, but some weird doctor named Desantis who has had his brain implanted into her daddy's body. What Desantis has to do with Prophet Five and/or the death of Vaughn remains to be seen. In other evil news, Sloane gets reinstated at the Apple Store, and Jack not only allows it, but accepts it wholeheartedly. Yeah, Jack's up to no good. Thank GOD.	2005.10.27 2005.10.31	B	Erin
5-4 Recap	Boobs McPhee: Wonder Whiner Mockingbird - In order to take down Gordo Dean, the Appleseed Gang has to get into his Cayman Islands bank account and remove all his funds. This means Boobs McPhee and Syd go back to Prague to get a hard drive while Boobs whines a lot. It all leads a mid-air rescue involving Syd and a strategically placed suction cup. I know. My brain hurts just thinking about it.	2005.10.20 2005.10.25	B	Erin
5-3 Recap	"The Shed"? It's more like The Shit. And not in the good way. The Shed - A substance gets stolen from Istanbul, and Getty and Syd and Marshall have to go to Prague to get it. Along the way, they pick up the Sydney substitute, Boobs McPhee, and the audience spends the entire hour looking for any remaining plotlines from the previous two episodes, without much success.	2005.10.13 2005.10.18	F	Erin
5-2 Recap	No. The title really does mean nothing. ...1... - Unless you think it means "1 more episode of this shit is all I'll watch." Syd and the Appleseed Gang nab the guy who shot Vaughn, only to let him go and get on a plane that they have to access via stealth bomber. It's so stupid, I can't even talk about it. All you need to know is there's some dead guy in a (fake) niridium-powered chamber and Ã‰lodie has him in her custody.	2005.10.06 2005.10.10	C-	Erin
5-1 Recap	"André"? Seriously? That's the best you could do? Prophet Five - Vaughn's real name is André Michaux, and he's been going rogue for the past few years in search of the truth behind something called "Prophet Five." The government thinks he's a double agent, Syd thinks he's nuts, Vaughn thinks "Clementine" is a stupid name for their baby, and Jack thinks he'd better visit his Hidden Bunker of Vendettas, because Syd's gonna get revenge on the guys who killed her honey and she's gonna need ammo right quick.	2005.09.29 2005.10.03	C	Erin
4-22 Recap	Whaddya mean his name ISN'T MICHAEL VAUGHN? Before The Flood - The Spy Family drops into Sevogda in order to save the world, and they do just that. Relatively quickly, they dismantle Clifford, and the only downside is that Nadia is totally infected with the Red-Eyed Menace disease. The last three minutes of the episode totally rock our world as Vaughn announces that his name isn't, in fact, Michael Vaughn and BAM! The rest of his revelation is saved until next season after a CAR CRASHES INTO HIM AND SYD. Someone might need to hold me. And my vodka.	2005.05.25 2005.05.31	A-	Erin
4-21 Recap	The bitch is back. Search And Rescue - And when I say "bitch," I mean that in the nicest way possible. Especially since the bitch in question is Irina Derevko. She's alive, and Syd and Nadia rescue her because she's the only person who can dismantle the big red ball that is now hovering over and infecting an innocent Russian city with its poison. Because there's not enough going on in the world at the moment, Vaughn asks Syd to marry him. The jury's still out on whether or not she says yes.	2005.05.18 2005.05.24	A	Erin
4-20 Recap	She's alive! ALIIIIIVE! The Descent - Elena steals all the cool-ass Rambaldi stuff and is now in the position to bring about a destructive endgame. The only person who can help stop her had a bullet put into her head, courtesy of one Jack Bristow. Good thing Dix happened to see that very same person being escorted in shackles to some van in Prague. Spy Mommy is officially alive, y'all! Oh, and Sloane's helping Elena out, so that's not so good.	2005.05.18 2005.05.22	A	Erin
4-19 Recap	The (Creepy Little) Orchid Thief In Dreams... - Sloane Clone steals a Rambaldi orchid that's supposed to make people (and bees) more peaceful and easy to control. In order to get the orchid before it can be swirled into the world's water supply, the Appleseed Gang has to shove some painful Sloane memories into the Slone Clone in order to wake his ass up and remember who the hell he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get to the Lena Olin episode, okay?	2005.05.11 2005.05.16	B	Erin
4-18 Recap	Papa, can you hear me? No, seriously. PAPA? Mirage - Jack's gone gaga, and he's been self-medicating as well. He's hallucinating all sorts of things, including a nice cushy doctor's office and his former wife, Laura. Syd has to pretend to be her mother in order to get the location of the real doctor out of her dad. It's ooky and sweet, all at the same time. The B-story involves Elena and her henchman and the Hydrosec, but I lost interest in that plot halfway through, so I'm sure you did too.	2005.05.04 2005.05.08	A	Erin
4-17 Recap	A cup of No-Doz and an espresso IV, STAT! A Clean Conscience - That's what it took me to stay awake through this damn episode. Everyone's good, the actors are talented, the sets are cool, and I STILL couldn't maintain an interest in anything that anyone said. What happens? Jack's getting sicker, Sonia Braga is really the third Derevko sister, and Dixon goes on a plane in search of a water toxinzzzzzzz. Huh? Is it morning yet?	2005.04.27 2005.05.02	C-	Erin
4-16 Recap	Say goodbye to reality, Uncle Arvin. Another Mister Sloane - Looks like Uncle Arvin's been returning to the Batshit Buffet one too many times, y'all. The Sloane Clone kidnaps a scientist and forces her to…do something to Clifford the Big Red Ball. This situation somehow forces Sloane to reacquaint himself with his old buddy Rambaldi, and the Ooogedy-Boogedy Olympics begin anew.	2005.04.20 2005.04.25	A+	Erin
4-15 Recap	Did we really need another Mr. Sloane? Pandora - It would appear that we did. And he's played by Jennifer Grey's daddy, Joel. He's up to no good, obviously, and it would appear that it's quite possible that he's the one who put the hit out on Syd's head. Or, you know, it could be the other Mr. Sloane. Or, like, someone else entirely. It's not reaaaaal clear to me right now. What is clear is that Bill Vaughn is finally and completely dead. So now maybe Vaughn can stop whining about his not-so-dead-daddy-who's-now-really-dead-we-swear and get some damn closure already.	2005.04.13 2005.04.17	A	Erin
4-14 Recap	A Nightingale Sang In Siberia Square Nightingale - And it sang a sweet little tune we like to call "Dance of the Melty-Faced Man." Ew. There's this coil-type-thing called "Nightingale" that alters people's DNA and makes them melt. The guy who runs it might know something about Vaughn's dad, so he and Syd go after it. Other people who might know something about Vaughn's dad are Jack and Sloane, only they're not talking. Because they're naughty.	2005.04.06 2005.04.09	A	Erin
4-13 Recap	It's Always Been My Least Favorite Day of the Week Tuesday - And this episode, it's Sydney's, too. A mission in Cuba goes awry, getting Syd captured and buried alive with a guy who's not quite as alive, and trapping everyone else -- with the sole exception of Family Man Marshall -- in the Apple Store, unable to save her. Marshall to the rescue! Also, Jack learns a very special lesson about sporks.	2005.03.30 2005.04.03	A	Sara M
4-12 Recap	La Mujer Nadia The Orphan - It's time to visit Nadia's sketchy past and learn how she got so good with the spy stuff. We also learn that Nadia had a habit of sleeping with her bosses, so Sloane better watch out. I know. Before you can say it: EW. Elsewhere at the Apple Store, Vaughn deciphers something about his dad and comes up with an address in Lisbon that leads to Sonia Braga. Man. What is IN that damn journal, anyway?	2005.03.23 2005.03.27	C+	Erin
4-11 Recap	Whirligig of Death and Destruction The Road Home - That's WODAD to you. I…really don't know what to say about this episode, except that it involves a biometric targeting device that gets planted on a teeny-weeny assault helicopter that chases Sydney around a warehouse for about five minutes. Yeah, sure, Jack kills a guy with a piano wire, but…THERE'S A MINI-COPTER ON A KILLING SPREE. Need I say more? I see that I needn't.	2005.03.16 2005.03.20	C-	Erin
4-10 Recap	Two Spy Daddies Are Better Than One The Index - The Blackwell Index gets stolen. Syd has to dress up like reject from the eighties in order to steal its decoder disk. Vaughn discovers that his daddy didn't die when he thought he did and could, potentially, still be alive. Dix thinks Sloane is still eeeeevil. But he's not eeeeevil, he's just partnered up with Jack for some reason or other. Okay, yeah, he could still be eeeeevil. Which means Jack could be eeeeevil too. I don't want to think about that.	2005.03.09 2005.03.12	A	Erin
4-9 Recap	And that word is, "Buh-bye." A Man Of His Word - Nadia's in a coma. Then she's not. Sloane wants Anna dead. Then she gets caught. The writers keep mistaking Sark for Hannibal Lecter. Then they keep hitting the hash pipe and forget dialogue from ONE WEEK AGO. I'm not sure what the purpose of this episode was, but it had David Anders in it for more than ten minutes, so I guess I don't really care what the purpose was supposed to be.	2005.03.02 2005.03.06	B-	Erin
4-8 Recap	Sark. Do I even need to say anything else? Echoes - That's right. Sark. He's back. But it's only for, like, ten minutes and he gets beaten all to hell and then acts like he's channeling Anthony Hopkins or something, so it's really not the triumphant return we were hoping for. But…David Anders. Sigh. Anna Espinosa's back too, and she and Syd exchange blows. There's some issue with a neurotoxin or something, and some guy's finger gets cut off, but all you really need to know is that at the end of this episode, Nadia gets shot. Yeah. Shocker, huh? Except, you know, not.	2005.02.23 2005.02.27	A	Erin
4-7 Recap	Stow it, Sydney Détente - Syd's still carrying around pounds and pounds of baggage marked "Sloane killed everyone I love and now I work for the bastard, please remit to sender." She really needs to send that shit into a personal storage unit, like, pronto. Elsewhere in the episode, some Russian steals some stuff that makes things explode, and Syd and Nadia have to dress up like high-class hookers in order to get it back. Yes, it makes about that much sense.	2005.02.16 2005.02.20	C	Erin
4-6 Recap	The Vampire LeSyd Nocturne - Syd gets bitten on the neck by a delusional narcotics agent and winds up getting infected with the same drug that was making him delusional in the first place. She goes all whack-ass crazy and sees spiders and hallucinations and somehow Goths and a guy with the codename "The Count" play an important role. As does Marilyn Manson. Is he still alive? And if so, is he still wearing women's underwear? Because that's just not right.	2005.02.09 2005.02.12	A	Erin
4-5 Recap	Young (Fake) Americans Welcome To Liberty Village - Syd and Vaughn infiltrate a Russian training ground whose purpose seems to be turning out terrorists who have excellent American accents. They have to pretend to be married. And that's it. No, that's really it. There's nothing more to it.	2005.01.26 2005.01.29	C	Erin
4-4 Recap	The Ice 5 Man Cometh Ice - A bad Irish man has a bioweapon that can freeze people from the inside out, and it's up to the Appleseed gang to keep it out of the open market. Meanwhile, Nadia discovers a picture of her mother holding a baby that no one seems to be able to identify. For some reason, this is ominous and makes audience members around the world fear for the return of Moronen as another errant Derevko child. That happens? I am OUTTA here.	2005.01.19 2005.01.22	A	Erin
4-3 Recap	If by "awful" you mean "awfully convenient for Jack." The Awful Truth - What happens when you take Syd, Marshall, Dixon, and Vaughn to the Bahamas and let them loose in a bank? About seven different accents and one terrifying Rasta wig, that's what happens. In other news, some sleazy British guy steals this, like, really important computer and Syd has to go get it. Then Jack tells Nadia that the sleazy British guy is the one who killed her mother, so Nadia pumps him full of lead. Yeah. That's not gonna come back to haunt him or anything.	2005.01.12 2005.01.15	B-	Erin
4-1 Recap	Welcome to the Apple Store. Would you like a gun with your iPod? Authorized Personnel Only, Part I - Syd quits the CIA. But then she doesn't. Then Vaughn, Dixon, Jack and Marshall all do the same thing. They're all part of a new black ops division that's headed up by…Arvin Sloane. There are missions and fights and sex galore, but the first half of this two-hour episode ends on a bummer: Jack killed Irina. Couldn't they just get divorced like normal people?	2005.01.05 2005.01.09	B-	Erin
4-2 Recap	Double Your Premiere, Double Your Fun Authorized Personnel Only, Part II - If by "fun" you mean "commercials." Seriously. I think there were more commercials in this second half than there was show footage. But whatever. Syd and crew go after Rick Yune and, in the process, we learn that yes, Jack did kill Irina, but mostly cuz Irina had put out a hit on her own daughter and Rick Yune was supposed to be her assassin. Man. That family is effed up.	2005.01.05 2005.01.09	C+	Erin
3-22 Recap	Ding-Dong, The Moronen's Dead! Resurrection - Yeah. I'll believe it when I see it in January. So, yeah, Vaughn shoots Moronen after she tells Syd all sorts of half-truths about her past. She may or may not be dead. And Syd heads to Wittenburg to discover that her entire life has actually been a CIA-sanctioned version of The Truman Show. And it's all Spy Daddy's fault. Nice.	2004.05.23 2004.05.29	B	Erin
3-21 Recap	Can I get mustard with that? Legacy - There are so many holes in the plot of this episode that you almost want to slice it up and serve it with ham on rye and a side of slaw. Vaughn's pissed. And he's not gonna take it anymore. And Syd's about thirty seconds away from telling him to take a Valium and call her in the morning. Also? Nadia gets rescued from Sloane's clutches, and Sark and Moronen escape to see another day.	2004.05.02 2004.05.06	C	Erin
3-20 Recap	Swing Out, Sister Blood Ties - Syd finds her little sister, and she turns out to be just as bad-ass as Syd. Their reunion is short-lived, however, because Sloane just wants to take Spy Skipper off to a remote corner of the planet and make her channel Rambaldi. God. He couldn't just GROUND her or something?	2004.04.25 2004.05.01	B-	Erin
3-19 Recap	Sloane's Dead! Long Live Sloane! Hourglass - Sloane dies. Sort of. Everyone gets closer to The Passenger. Kind of. Moronen gets caught. Almost. And this episode kicked ass. There's no "maybe" about it.	2004.04.18 2004.04.23	A+	Erin
3-18 Recap	Pssst. Lauren's evil. Pass it on. Unveiled - Vaughn FINALLY clues in to the fact that his wife is a lying, cheating, murderous bitch. Okay, so he just finds her Wig of Wickedness in a suitcase. Same thing. Oh, and the only news we get on The Passenger is that it's not an "it," it's a woman. Ooooh. Scary.	2004.04.11 2004.04.16	B	Erin
3-17 Recap	The Frame The Frame - Vaughn and Lauren break up, but then her mom kills her dad, so they get back together. Yeah.	2004.03.28 2004.03.31	B-	Kim
3-16 Recap	Taken Taken - Dixon's kids get kidnapped by Sark and the Covenant.	2004.03.21 2004.03.24	B	Kim
3-15 Recap	Oh, if only this actually WERE The Office. Façade - ...we'd be laughing a lot more and yawning a lot less. Ricky Gervais guest stars as a genius-type bomb-maker with a vendetta against the Covenant and the person who killed his brother. Too bad that person is Syd. Vaughn sports a pair of glasses that make librarians everywhere swoon, and Sark is taken into custody again, some more, but not before he helps dismantle a bomb. And Sloane and Dr. Nancy engage in some middle-aged sex which forces the majority of the audience to poke their eyes out with rusty nails.	2004.03.14 2004.03.19	B-	Erin
3-14 Recap	Blowback? Blow me. Blowback - I'm sorry. If you title an episode "Blowback," you're just begging for a headline like that. Syd and Vaughn chase down a bomb, with Sark and Lauren following closely behind. Sloane and Dr. Nancy's lack of cleavage share a glass of wine and a secret: Sloane is Sydney's real father. And, because nothing says "cutting edge" like "repetition," we get to watch the entire first half of the show over again when it's rewound and told from Lauren and Sark's POVs. I'm all for recycling, but this is ridiculous.	2004.03.07 2004.03.11	C+	Erin
3-13 Recap	Did I mention the ass? After Six - Because the ass I smelled in the last episode is present and accounted for in this one. Lauren's a bad guy. And Sark digs that about her. And they team up to take over the Covenant. And Syd and Vaughn have a problem working together because they keep wanting to make out. And they go to a chalet in Switzerland for no good reason. And Sloane's shooting up some green goo that is never even explained. And this crap better improve when the next episode airs three weeks from now or I'm going on strike.	2004.02.15 2004.02.19	F	Erin
3-12 Recap	Sniff sniff. Do you smell ass? Crossings - Because I certainly smell ass. And it's coming from the direction of this episode. I'm sorry, but it's true. What happens during the show, you ask? Well, there's a trip to North Korea, Lauren's still eeeeeevil, Vaughn nearly tells Syd he loves her, Isabella Rossellini kicks ass and digs around in Jack's liver, and I'm not sure if anything else happened past this point because I really zzzzzzzzzz.	2004.01.18 2004.01.20	F	Erin
3-11 Recap	Thank you for flying Exposition Airlines Full Disclosure - There are exits at either end of the plane. Unfortunately, they're all locked, and you're trapped here for the better part of an hour, listening to Kendall tell Sydney about how she really was Julia Thorne during the Lost Years, and that the Covenant harvested some of Syd's eggs in order to plug them full of Rambaldi DNA so we could all rejoice at the second coming of a man who invented a bunch of machines that don't really do much at all. Welcome aboard. Coffee? Tea? Shotgun? Poison darts? An escape pod? Fasten your seatbelts for takeoff, dudes. It's a long ride.	2004.01.11 2004.01.15	B-	Erin
3-10 Recap	You Give Me Fever Remnants - Well, Will certainly gave Syd sumpin', but it sure as hell is hotter than a fever. In fact, it involved something resembling a condom and a generous amount of vodka. In other news, Penis Head's dead. And Sloane got him that way. Jack instructs Vaughn to leave his little girl alone, and Syd heads off to Wisconsin to do a little boot-knockin' with her old buddy Will. They also go on an assignment to recover something from Graz or something, and Sark shows up just long enough to get his ass kicked while Will takes a page out of the Spy Daddy operations book and shoves a knife into Francinator's chest. I really hope she stays dead this time.	2003.12.07 2003.12.12	B	Erin
3-9 Recap	Dream On Conscious - Hey, remember when you saw the promos for this episode and you totally thought you'd find out what in the hell Syd was doing during the Lost Years? And how David Cronenberg was somehow involved? And how Syd kicked Lauren's ass? And how there was the promise of some hot lip action going on between Syd and Vaughn? Yeah. At least the last three parts came true.	2003.11.30 2003.12.04	B	Erin
3-8 Recap	Papa, Can You Hear Me? Breaking Point - Yes he can, Sydney. And he's coming to git ya. Syd's being held by the NSC, and Spy Daddy drafts Shaft to go in and get her. Sloane takes a bullet for Jack, and Jack extracts it in his makeshift operating room, saving Sloane's life. Lauren earns her name back by helping Vaughn and Spy Daddy get Syd out of prison. Pruitt Taylor Vince shows up just long enough to creep all of us out with his googly eyes.	2003.11.23 2003.11.30	B+	Erin
3-7 Recap	Hell Hath No Fury Prelude - Like a Killjoy scorned. Man, this episode rules. We have ass-kicking in China, Vaughn threatening Jack in Hell-Lay, Spy Daddy murdering Chavez y Chavez in Mexico, and Syd making her scary tube-and-blood dreams a reality right in the heart of Rome. It's one hell of a fine ride in this roller coaster of an episode. And it's about goddamn time, too. Welcome back, Alias!	2003.11.09 2003.11.14	A	Erin
3-6 Recap	The Bitch Is Back The Nemesis - That's right. Francinator's back, and she's got something of a bone to pick with Sydney. Unfortunately, we have to deal with some sideline plot about a missile-detecting device and a guy with reconstructive surgery before we can get to the Worst Girl Fight Ever. There's some naked Sark and some Spy Sexual Tension, and we get a bad explanation for the OmniAccent along the way, but the only thing we learn about the Lost Years is.well.nothing, actually. Man, that really sucks.	2003.11.02 2003.11.06	C+	Erin
3-5 Recap	Two's Company, Three's a Crowd Repercussions - And four's a damn party! Vaughn's in the hospital for a bit, recovering from his Syd-inflicted stab wound. Killjoy threatens Syd with transferal, only to recant her threat twenty-four hours later after a car chase with Syd changes her mind and turns her anger to well-formed girl love. Sloane joins the crew as a double agent with Djimon Hounsou in his pocket. Mmmm.Djimon Hounsou. Glad he's around, because Soymoan? Gone, baby. Gone. Yes, I'm crying. Shut UP.	2003.10.26 2003.10.31	B-	Erin
3-4 Recap	Missing? I'll tell you what's missing. A Missing Link - An episode that sucks is what's missing. For the first time this season, JJ and crew came up with a plot that involved Justin Theroux, Syd diving nineteen floors into a pool without being pulverized, Super Bad Spy Daddy, Elephant marital spats, angry pregnant women, Satan Sloane, a Vaughn stabbing, and the tiniest bit of Sark action. And Justin Theroux. Shirtless. Vaughn who?	2003.10.19 2003.10.24	B+	Erin
3-3 Recap	Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. Reunion - Really. No, really. The only thing interesting that happened in this episode was that part where Michael Vartan took his shirt off. Everything else was just blah blah blah satellite, blah blah blah I hate your ex-girlfriend and blah blah blah wait, did I just blink and miss Victor Garber? I've had more fun watching lint grow in my bellybutton.	2003.10.12 2003.10.16	C-	Erin
3-2 Recap	Sharon! This episode sucked! Succession - No, I'm not kidding. This episode blew. So, Syd went to a porn theatre and discovered a severed head. Big deal. Then Sark had to be traded for some German dude. Yeah. Yawn. Then Syd had to dress up in a black bob and a necktie in order to nab some other German dude. I have NO idea what the purpose of this episode was, other than to annoy and irritate me. Julio? Drinks all around. We have to deal with this in a fully inebriated manner. With straws!	2003.10.05 2003.10.09	C	Erin
3-1 Recap	Mr. Sandman, bring me a clue The Two - Shhh. Sydney's sleeping. Oh, wait. No she's not. She's awake, and she's mad as HELL. Vaughn's married, Dixon's in charge, Spy Daddy's in prison, and Spy Barbie has a scar on her stomach the size of a Frisbee. Nothing's what it was in the season opener of Alias.	2003.09.28 2003.10.02	B	Erin
2-22 Recap	Tell Her About It The Telling - Or tell him about it. Or tell ANYONE about it. But just, like, TELL someone, Sloane! See, Sloane puts together this Rambaldi machine called "The Telling," and he's all smug and philosophical about it, but remarkably tight-lipped about what it actually is. All we can surmise is that must be pretty fucking powerful because, by the end, Syd wakes up in Hong Kong, Francinator's dead, Vaughn's married, and Syd's been missing for two years. Yeah. I need a nap.	2003.05.04 2003.05.11	A+	Erin
2-21 Recap	Double Your Francie, Double Your Fun Second Double - This episode's all about the Will Frame. And the Raunchy Spy Sex. And the Frightening Francinator. And Satan Sloane offering to partner up again with Spy Daddy (can you say Ho!Yay!). And Sydney reclaiming her title as the Worst Spy Ever. And some other stuff. But mostly, it's about fifty-nine minutes, give or take a few commercials, and it's only the first half of a two-parter. Now go away and leave me alone.	2003.05.04 2003.05.10	A-	Erin
2-20 Recap	Right. "Countdown." When's the damn finale? Countdown - Do you care? I mean, really, do you? Do you care what this damn episode's about? No. You don't. It's really just a placeholder 'til the finale, isn't it? Yeah. There's a Holocaust Heart and Dixon pops some pills and Marshall gets a girlfriend. Is this season over YET?	2003.04.27 2003.05.03	B-	Erin
2-21 Extra	I know what turns Bradley Cooper on. The Bradley Cooper Interview, Part II - And you don't. Oh, okay, you will too once you read the second half of the Bradley interview. But only I know what he sounds like on the phone. So there.	2003.04.31 2003.04.30	N/A	Erin
2-20 Extra	Bradley Cooper is my new best friend The Bradley Cooper Interview, Part I - Okay. Not really. But he's so cool that you'll wish he was your best friend too. And not in the stalkerish way. Take a break, grab a cocktail, and find out about the time that Bradley and Michael Vartan engaged in a big-ass swordfight on the back lot over the affections of one Jennifer Garner. Really. I mean it. I'm not kidding. Why are you laughing? Shut up.	2003.04.27 2003.04.26	N/A	Erin
2-19 Recap	Ding Dong, Mrs. Dixon's Dead Endgame - Or is she? Actually, judging by the big-ass bomb that blew her car to kingdom come, I'd say, yeah, she's pretty much a goner. Wife of Slater reveals herself to be an undercover Russian agent, Slater reveals himself to be an undercover NSA agent, and Vaughn just reveals himself. In his boxer shorts. WITH NO SHIRT. Did I mention the "no shirt" part? Because that's really the most important part of the show.	2003.03.30 2003.04.05	A	Er