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The Paris Death Match

Okay. Prepare yourselves for the LONGEST "previously on Alias" segment KNOWN TO MAN. Are you ready? Let's hit it.

College. Recruited. Big Bad Arvin Sloane. The truth. Dead Danny. Revenge. CIA. First Mate Forehead. Wrinkle. Wrinkle. Wrinkle. Spy Daddy. Super Secret Spy Barbie. Lois Lame. Seeking the truth about Spy Daddy. Dixon. Spy Barbie. Back in the days of the random Argentinean countryside in pursuit of the Rambaldi manuscript. Uncle Arvin. Soon-to-be-dead Auntie Em.

Regina: Dude. What the hell was that?
Wendy Kroy: Um, was that Argentina they just trotted out?
Regina: I believe it was.
Wendy Kroy: Look. We watch the show, okay? WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TWELVE EPISODES AGO. God.
Regina: I know! Like, what is UP with that?
Wendy Kroy: Okay, I'm willing to overlook it because, like, this was the best episode EVER but, like, next season? If J.J. pulls this crap again? I am SO showing up on the set with a copy of "How to Be a Good Screenwriter" and a ravenous jaguar and I'm going teach Mr. Abrams how NOT to treat his audience like a bunch of drooling imbeciles.
Regina: Wow, dude. That vein in your forehead is pulsing.
Wendy Kroy: Really? Do I look powerful and manly?
Regina: Dude? Wendy? Don't take this the wrong way or anything but, like, even though you're a man and all? You will NEVER look powerful and manly.
Wendy Kroy: Bitch, don't bring me down. I can be powerful and manly.
Regina: Not when you're asking me to use the alias "Wendy Kroy" for you during the duration of this recap, you can't.
Wendy Kroy: Excellent point. Where's that damn cabana boy of yours, anyway? Daddy needs some eye candy.
Regina: Dude. Looky, no touchy, okay? Julio is mine.
Wendy Kroy: Whatever.
Regina: Dude. I'm serious. You HAVE a boyfriend.
Wendy Kroy: Uh-huh.
Regina: DUDE?!
Wendy Kroy: Fine. Fine. Just get us some damn cocktails.
Regina: JULIO!

Aaaahhh…vodka. Let the recap begin.

Denpasar. When we last left our heroine, she was trapped between a rock and a hard Sark. Dixon had Syd and Sark held at gunpoint while Syd and Sark exchanged furtive, knowing, and slightly sexual glances. Captain Non-Courageous watched over the whole operation from a balcony somewhere, because he's a chickenshit desk-jockey who happens to look really good in fatigues.

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