Reprisal (1)

Episode Report Card
Erin: B- | 1 USERS: A-
One down, one to go

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Sydney and she was a grad student by day and a spy by night. She had a roommate named Francie and a best friend named Will and a fiancé named Danny and she thought she worked for the CIA, but she really worked for SD-6 and a sadistic little prick named Arvin Sloane. Her daddy worked for him too, but he really worked for the CIA. So then Sydney started working for the CIA too, and became a double agent. Her handler was a hot guy named Vaughn. Then a lot of shit happened. And her mommy came back from "the dead" and it was awesome. And Sydney and Vaughn made out and IT was awesome. And then Sydney went to sleep for two years and it was not awesome. Especially after Vaughn married some bitch. Then a lot more shit happened and it wasn't all that interesting until the bitch got shot and Vaughn told us his name was André Michaux and then he died but really didn't, and along the way there were bad guys who always seemed to have a "The" in their names and some dude named Rambaldi who made a lot of crap that seemed to have no purpose other than to really irritate us every damn week.

And tonight on Alias, it all ends.

We open on the reconstructed Prophet Five board as Sydney says in voice-over: "The first time I learned of Prophet Five, my fiancé was gunned down in front of me. Turns out, he wasn't the first. They killed anyone who got too close. They'd infiltrated the highest levels of governments and the inner sanctums of intelligence agencies. They appeared to control entire sectors of technology, finance, defense. We believed they were run by a group of twelve whose power was everywhere and nowhere because no one knew who they were. Until now. I've lived with secrets all my life, and I'm done."

By the way, you can forget all about what she just said in the previous paragraph, because we never really learn what Prophet Five is or what they do or who or what The Cardinal is or if Rambaldi is really alive and living in a dank Italian prison basement or if there really was a purpose to all the stupid Rambaldi crap we've had to swallow over the past five years or if the writers really were on crack during the hiatus because this is what they came up with for a finale? Meh. So, now that you know all of this, sit back and enjoy the ride because Alias is over and it's going out with a bang (and sometimes a whimper.)

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